Tough Times

It’s been a while.

I haven’t been able to journal or to write because that would need sitting still and quiet. And sitting still would mean facing what has happened these last few months.

I wasn’t ready to do that. And there are days where I still feel numb and in a daze. But I am doing my best to awaken and come to life.

This was originally a record of my journey. My journey with God. My journey to healing. My journey in life. But somewhere from January to February, I lost that.

And fear came.

And confusion came.

And everything that could possibly come, came.

School sucked. Relationships sucked. Family sucked.  I walked the opposite direction and picked the door that led me to a valley. I am still recovering. Still attempting to find my mountain and my God.

But can I just be even more honest? This walk to healing is the hardest walk I’ve ever been on. Having to shuffle through years of memories, that lead to a rush of pain. A knot in my throat. A sudden loss of breath. A flood of thoughts. Then I really can’t breathe.

Only to realize that I am holding my breath. I am refusing to feel pain. I have to run and find the exit door before it’s too late. Before it all comes rushing back. The strange thing is that I had no idea what I was running from. I have no idea what hurts and what scares me, I just have the need to hide from it.

Today, I am becoming more aware of what I was running from. And maybe that’s another journal to share on another day. The only way I can face this pain is knowing that once I get through it, God will be closer than ever. Knowing that I have faithful friends who love me and only want me to grow. That is what gives me the strength to face this giant.

I can do this. I will do this.  I will survive. I can breathe.

So here is to this journey once more. Here is to healing.

Leslie, you can do this.