Romance – By Leslie Salazar

I think I am finally clean

Life has a funny way of happening.

It chooses its victims and its victors, and simply happens.

In life’s toughest seasons, I have found that worship is the key to getting up and regaining strength. Worship is not only just singing to God, but also a state of being, the confidence that God is good, faithful, full of grace, and that He has your world in His hands.

I recently went through a difficult break up in my life, which was caused by many different factors, but nonetheless it hurt. I was thrown into a season that I later prolonged, causing it to last and hurt way longer than God probably wanted for me. My life suddenly became meaningless, dry, empty. The joy and passion for life I once had was no longer evident. I did not want to be around people, around anything that was stable because I was angry, at myself, at the guy, and at God. Looking back at my actions, my attitude, my perspective, I have learned a few things that would have changed the duration of my desert.

1. Embracing

The very first thing I didn’t do was accept. I refused to believe that my world had taken a drastic change. I tried to continue doing the same things I did when I was in the relationship, including hanging out with the same group that was connected to us, keeping communication with his family, eating at the same places, driving by the same streets. Literally nothing changed. Except the appearance together on social media. This made it difficult for me, and I’m sure him as well, to allow a death to happen so that healing could begin. Instead, we kept rolling around in the ashes of what was left, hoping to rebuild something that was long overdue to end.

I accepted my desert and my brokenness a year later, and everything that came with that; pain, friendships ending, new habits, new hangout places. This allowed me to accept my feelings. I was angry, mad, broken, confused, a little relieved actually. The lack of acknowledgement the year before didn’t leave room for these feelings and caused me to live in a lie, not ever dealing with the actual emptiness. After taking it in, my entire outlook of my season was transformed, and most importantly I was able to worship, to look for God, to seek help with sincerity, a new sense of clarity. I was now aware of the condition of my heart and spirit; I could care for myself better.

2. Enduring

The second important thing to do in every season is endure, hold on. After accepting and acknowledging, you have to fight to endure whatever comes your way. This may look different depending on your personality and your season, but this happens by gaining understanding, a new perspective. Some seasons require more time alone, while others require us to be surrounded by loved ones, learning to interact with other souls. Sometimes you need to study the Word, other times a lot of worship and time of prayer will help. Each season will be different but part of embracing it and not having to relearn the lessons years later, is knowing what your season is all about.

I endured my season by soaking in on His presence. Being in His presence was so important for me because I felt as though my heart was a shattered mess and I had no idea where to begin. I felt as though I had to pick up the pieces alone, buy some super glue, and put it all together alone. My identity had been placed in the relationship and when that ended, I no longer knew who Leslie was. Worship allowed me to hear the Lord’s sweet voice again, to hear life, to experience a love so sweet and not be afraid to be broken again. His presence was a safe place for me these last few months and as I embraced the brokenness and loneliness, I learned what I needed to heal and gained a sense of direction. Somedays I spent hours alone, writing, reading, thinking, crying to worship… and Adele songs (not a joke lol) and other weeks I spent all 7 days with my girls. I had to be connected to God and be constantly checking in on my heart to know exactly what I needed that day. Being in His presence didn’t make the pain go away, my friends didn’t distract me enough to forget what had died, but these two things did make the season more bearable.

I didn’t blend.

I didn’t make this brokenness my identity. I did not allow someone walking away from my life to define who I was. The season could have easily made me bitter, angry, hateful, but I chose to allow God to remind me who I was. I did not allow the pain to blend in with my deepest desires, to control my heart. We allow situations/people to intertwine themselves into our identity and we give them more rights than they deserve. Although we are shaped by our environment, we are not defined by them and this is so important to remember in seasons of growth. How careful a season is handled determines how you end it, if you pass the test, and if you have to repeat later in life.

3. Guarding

I don’t know about you, but seasons make me vulnerable. I feel like suddenly I have no idea what is going on inside of me or around me. I know now that seasons are meant to grow you. To teach you something, but in the middle of it, I tend to get overwhelmed and a little lost. I wish I could sit in class, learn all about the season, and then test over it. But most of the time, I don’t even realize it’s a test, until I am annoyed and frustrated and throwing fits to God.

And then I’m like oh SHOOT!!!! This is a test!!!

And I buckle down and try to pass it lol just like college.

One of the most important pieces to the seasons puzzle, is guarding.

Guarding your heart, mind, entire being- with everything that is within you.

When I first entered my season after the break up, I did not guard anything. I cried wherever, I spoke to many people about how I felt- and got millions of responses, some bashing the guy, some making me feel like crap, others making me miss what we had, others making me glad I was out. But none of them were actually me, no one understood because I was the one in the relationship, I dealt with the fights, with the decisions, with the memories. No one knew exactly how good or how bad it was because they weren’t us.

The opinions affected me a lot and literally had me back and forth, running in circles. Depending on who was giving their opinion that day, I was hopeful, expecting to fix the relationship, to heal what was broken, and to fight for what we had. Other days, I was angry, I hated him, I felt abandoned and betrayed, I hated him for giving up, for walking away.

I would also listen to songs, look at pictures, reread birthday cards, text messages, to remind myself of promises made and then I’d see my current state and this would send me into deep depressing days. I would be having a great day but I CHOSE to take myself to this hole every single time.

After awhile, I grew tired of hurting and fighting myself.

Instead of being my #1 protector, I was the biggest bully to my fragile and vulnerable heart.

My heart would trust me by allowing me to feel and I would take advantage and make it 10583034x worse. I stopped listening to Adele, Taylor Swift and any songs that reminded me of what was. I stopped watching romantic movies and I stopped pinning wedding things on pinterest. I stayed away from anything that would negatively affect me including people. People who had strong opinions about the breakup no longer had place in my life, and it sucked. I let go of many friendships because they were so connected to that time in my life but my heart became more important to me.

This is SO important. You are your own advocate, the best friend your heart longs for. You connect your spirit and heart to Jesus and you CHOOSE to thrive in whatever season you are in. So ultimately, it is YOUR duty to guard your season, most importantly guard your heart. You can no longer have an open door and allow songs, opinions, movies etc., around you but now your main focus should be to successfully pass this season and learn what you need to learn.

I guarded my mind so much, I would only listen to worship, read healing/life speaking books, hang out with people who had my heart as a priority.

And I don’t apologize for that.

I had spent so many years trying to submit to someone else, trying to be someone else so that I would be loved, trying to please man and be perfect. Let me tell you, the first chance I had to take care of myself and “do me” I ran and took it!

4. Growing

Like I ranted before, seasons are about taking care of yourself. About learning of you and of Him. If handled correctly, they take you to the next level in life, making the vision of your life and your creator clearer.

This is something that is to be kept in the front-line, in a place where it can be constantly looked at and remembered. These trials all are different, some last months, some years, and it can be easy to forget what the real purpose is. Although the heartbreak I endured was one of the worsts I have ever experienced, I chose to grow from it. Doing the first 3 things set me up to thrive. I did not allow the circumstance to make me a victim but instead held so close to Jesus that my identity began to change and I began to see purpose in my pain.

I love love love what 1 Peter 1:6 says:

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

What more do we need?! The trials cause our faith to be tested and if handled correctly, our faith will grow! If our faith grows, we will see Him in His glory, more clearly. Locking eyes with my King is more than enough for me to persevere through seasons of all kinds.

Come hell, come high water, come valleys, mountains, deserts, sunshine….

I am His and He is mine, forever.

Crazy that when the above picture was taken, a year ago, I was broken, faking my way through the pain. The pieces of my heart were too shattered and I had no idea where to begin. Thankful I fought my way through that season, and that I stand today.

Praying for you today. Whatever season you are in, CHOOSE to stay in the fight. Embrace, endure, guard, and grow from your trials.

Be truly glad friends, there is wonderful joy ahead.

From glory to glory we go,
All while dancing in His love.

Finally, Goodbye

Goodbye

It’s been many months, years.

But just a few weeks ago we parted ways.

This isn’t to anyone specific… some words may absolutely be, to be honest.

words to everyone and everything I have let go of, all in one. These past months the Lord has really been molding me and walking with me as I face some of my scariest fears and trials. I am learning how to guard my heart, trust Him, and how to again, like I’ve written before, walk on healing. It’s amazing how much He had taught me and how hand in hand he has walked with me. This is just a little insight on how I feel in this moment after letting go of a few different things.

Dear You,

It’s been way too long and I am relieved to say that I am finally ready for real freedom, the freedom I so eloquently described in other words. I have experienced a taste here and there but I seemed to always end up back under your spell… in the same vicious circle I always wanted out of. There is a lot that I could complain about and a lot of anger I could hold onto, but instead I’m choosing to simple say goodbye.

I am thankful… maybe not as thankful as I will be years from now, but I have always been one to try to learn from my circumstances…. & oh boy has this taught me so much. I want you to know that I loved you, like I’ve never loved anyone before… & maybe that is the problem there, because I loved you too much, I looked for you and your approval too much and that is what led me to lose myself.

Thankful for the lessons, the memories, the ability to experience such a love that has shaped me into who I will be and the pulpit that I will have. I have learned that it is God who decides your worth, from the moment He gave his life for me… I found my worth. My worth doesn’t come from you, and whether you choose to be my friend or not. I do not need approval from you because God has made me whole and complete.

Letting go has opened my eyes to all that I was allowing… all that I was putting up with. I found a new strength, the ability to say goodbye.

Again, thank you for the experience, but I love life and myself too much to hang around. I now know that I do not have to be somewhere that is inconsistent and so insecure. I know that I deserve 100% honesty- someone who will have my best interest at heart no matter the atmosphere. A friend who knows me and allows themselves to be known, instead of living a life of secrets.

Saying goodbye to years of feeling less to you. Of finding my identity in what happened and allowing myself to be victim to fear. I no longer blame God for what you chose to do. I know God is good, what you decided impacted my life but in no way does it control it… any longer. The broken little helpless girl is now a woman… of faith, love, and hope for the future.

Goodbye to the many years I spent controlled by you. I have learned that my past does not dictate my future I’m a negative way, instead it allows me to connect and to be better. Goodbye to the selfish little girl who just wants to be loved, my identity is in what Christ has done for me- not in pleasing humanity. I am victorious in Him and not a victim to my circumstances.

Goodbye

Praying that you find yourself, that you find who you are and you pursue the things that make you come alive, in Him. I will heal from this and eventually you will not mean more than a memory- hopefully you can do the same. Forgiveness is powerful, it’s freeing. I am on that road and I am finally so happy.

Goodbye

You have no power over me. I am whole. I am free. I have been redeemed. He patiently waited for me to understand that He knows me… And despite knowing me, still chooses me. So I am writing to let you know you no longer have power over my thoughts and over my decisions. You can knock but you will no longer be let in.

The door has been shut.

And this is my goodbye.

This was for people, sins, habits that no longer have a hold on me. Know that He created you for greater things and you have the power to CHOOSE to walk away from anything that does not bless your life, anything that makes you feel less than the amazing human you are- relationships, friendships, jobs, character traits. Know that you deserve the best this life has to offer and you are worth a great life. Dream big and never change to gain someone’s approval. Also know that this is hard. In no way is it easy to suddenly walk away from something you are used to and much harder when you love… But the reward is greater than the pain you will feel. I hope you find strength today to walk away and to never look back. God is truly good and He has a good good plan.

Dancing in His Love

To gaze on the beauty of the Lord

I was in Barnes & Noble tonight, browsing because I love reading and one can never have too many books!
There were so many books on dating, so many opinions and advices and thoughts on what godly dating is like and what the bible says about it and what authors think it should be like.
It’s been 5 months since I decided to stop dating for a year…. & it really hasn’t been as easy. I’ve found myself lonely driving home or lonely on the weekends when all my friends are with their boyfriends. But I have also found it strangely satisfying. Getting to take care of myself and learning who I am… It’s literally a love hate relationship LOL like I want to go on sweet dates but then I also want to be left alone and make decisions thinking only of myself. See cus being with a significant other, all want to do is serve and take care of the other person and make sure that they are okay- which sometimes caused me to lose myself in them. So in this season I’ve taken time to see what I like to do. And to depend on myself for my own growth and happiness.

It’s been a hard few months, my flesh desires to cling to someone, to share my hard days with and to rejoice together and oh BOY do I have options- not in a conceited way lol but I can take matters into my own hands and make something happen but that isn’t I want. In the moments when I feel most alone and I crave someone’s presence to be next to me, I go back to my vision and my dream. I want to be able to be on my knees worshipping, worried about His kingdom and in that process, find someone who is willing to run with me, to build His kingdom, to build our own dreams, and someone who will care for me and my spirit. LOL LIKE IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR?!

Just kidding.

So I’ve resisted making moves, making myself available. I’m been a little of both guarded and open if that makes any sense. I’ve been guarded to any romance, but I’ve been openly making new friends and carrying conversations. In that process, I’ve learned more of what I also like and don’t like.

Now what I’m struggling with is my love story with God… It’s a hard and complex thing. God as father and God as my first love
1. I don’t have a relationship with my earthly father so trying to go deeper with God in this area is ridiculously hard. Like what the heck does that even mean? What does that even look like? Totally clueless.
2. My romantic relationships haven’t been examples I want to follow so understanding this level of love with God…. It’s also different.

And here is what I have so far:

Do you know that He desires to know you? He desires to love you and to entangle you with His ropes of love. And how beautiful it is to think of the Lord, the definition of love, loving you 😍 He’s the sweetest, most constant love I’ve ever known and despite my guarded heart and my insecurities and my fears of His love, it doesn’t change His sweet embrace. He doesn’t give up and he continues to entice me, to dance with me. And as long as He always does this, then nothing else matters. It’s worth the wait, worth the fight. His plans are good and I am trusting this sweet, but difficult process because like He has promised- it will be more beautiful than I ever imagined.

My prayer these next few months:

“One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.”

Psalms 27:4

Praying you’re encouraged!! God IS good! How sweet is it to have the freedom to gaze upon His beauty and for Him to return the gesture!? Cannot wait for these next few months and how He will surprise me and how much deeper we will go together.

Forever dancing,

Waiting on The Lord

Being completely transparent.

I have recently made huge changes in my life.

Probably because I’m early 20’s…. Deciding who I’m going to be, what I am going to do, and every other anxious decision that comes with 21.

One of these changes led to a decision, a decision of singleness for a year- meaning no boys, no dates, no flirting, no late night calls, and nothing else that means boyfriend.

My entire life- I can go back to seasons and remember the relationship I was in, the moment I felt like my life was falling apart, and then meeting someone new, and forgetting all about the previous season. And no offense to anyone else who enjoys this, but I refuse to have a life summarized and described by the relationships I’ve had and failed in. I am tired of fighting God and giving Him tiny tiny pieces of my heart, and then pouring my heart out in things that resulted in chaos. That cycle is mediocre and I was created for so much more.

So in these last few weeks of being with myself…. I have experienced some great days, and some….. days that swallow me whole, with little oxygen and sunlight.

I wish I could say it’s been easy. I wish I could say “wow it’s been a year already and i’m so much wiser”. Truth is, it hasn’t been a year LOL only less than a month.

The days that swallow me- I can barely hear God, mostly because I’m focused on my physical loneliness. I have no plans no desires no peace just fear and a million thoughts and questions and doubts and my past plays in my head and I want answers NOW and I want things my way and I want my plans and I want me to be satisfied and I have the worst attitude ever and….. Stop. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. God is good Leslie, Remember, He is Good.

Honestly, I cry and cry and cry and sometimes it’s better. But other times, the tears don’t stop. It’s an endless hole of emptiness and pain that I cannot even begin to accurately describe without losing the beauty of the process.

But then there’s the good days ❤ and these are the things that fill me with hope. I wake up, and the voice of God is so soft… so sweet…. so calm. And my day is organized. I pray, I worship. I dwell all day. I grow as a woman- filling my day with the things that will move me forward.

I am strangely enjoying this season.

I love Mondays. I clean, finish my home chores. I read, which I used to adore doing, but forgot with time.

I literally unplug, stay off my phone, go to a movie alone, and I just enjoy my own company. Absolutely amazing because I never thought I would be one to experience this and secretly crave it.

Waiting on the Lord is not easy. But oh man is it such an EXPERIENCE.

I’m not waiting on the Lord simply to date, but to simply move. I have no control over the things that will come, or the ones that will not, but what I can do is worship. I choose to worship. I choose to bend my knees, to fight through my legs numbing, to sing and tell the Lord what I am feeling, what I am believing for. I choose to speak and share my heart with Him because He is worthy and so faithful. There is no other stance that I will take. I don’t have all the answers and I have no idea what my decision is leading me to but I do know my God outdoes Himself every time I choose to give him control. This process is beautiful.

I am so thankful for the good days, and honestly the bad ones too. Because when I reach that moment, I am going to understand it so well. And I am going to appreciate it and know that I fought – I didn’t get swallowed but instead grew in strength and integrity and all things lovely.

I will wait on the Lord. He is all I have.

I can’t wait to share what He does this year!

Forever Dancing In His Love,

Brokenness

I do not think that pain felt in the heart will ever be accurately put into words. It is so easy to give a broken person advice and to say “you will be okay” and “this will not kill you” but what happens when it feels like you’re dying, like the pain is so demanding and so selfish, desiring to be king, to rule over everything you once were…. because I think sometimes…. sometimes It wins.

I understand that in a few weeks, a few months, I will be able to look back to this season and be relieved that it is over. Maybe not thankful for it, but relieved. But until that time comes, I have to sit here and embrace it.

My heart is broken…..

One of the hardest things to say out loud. It’s hard to accept that I am not okay.

I am broken. I am hurting. I am anxious. I am fearful.

I want to run. Because I have taught myself to avoid pain. I have learned to run when anything threatens me. So right in this moment, I am submerged, head under water, in pain. My heart is desperately trying to harden, to put up the walls, to shut everyone out.

My mind is screaming, warning me to flee. “Run Leslie, this hurts. Run Leslie, we can’t handle this, This is much too strong for us.”

And yet….. I have this overwhelming love of God keeping me still, unable to hide. Unable to leave.

So what happens when the overwhelming love is leading you to face the pain, to keep your heart open…. to allow yourself to feel the brokenness. I cannot run but I cannot face this either. It is too painful. And although I am not revealing what “this” is made up of, I’m sure you can place your own “this” in your story and maybe even relate.

Let me remind us that joy comes in the morning. The tears we are sowing WILL reap joy. This is what I choose to believe. This brokenness will create strength. In an ironic and contradicting way, I am excited. This broken girl will become a strong spirit filled and led woman and although I absolutely hate this process, my reward is worth it all.

Leslie Tatiana ❤