I do not think that pain felt in the heart will ever be accurately put into words. It is so easy to give a broken person advice and to say “you will be okay” and “this will not kill you” but what happens when it feels like you’re dying, like the pain is so demanding and so selfish, desiring to be king, to rule over everything you once were…. because I think sometimes…. sometimes It wins.
I understand that in a few weeks, a few months, I will be able to look back to this season and be relieved that it is over. Maybe not thankful for it, but relieved. But until that time comes, I have to sit here and embrace it.
My heart is broken…..
One of the hardest things to say out loud. It’s hard to accept that I am not okay.
I am broken. I am hurting. I am anxious. I am fearful.
I want to run. Because I have taught myself to avoid pain. I have learned to run when anything threatens me. So right in this moment, I am submerged, head under water, in pain. My heart is desperately trying to harden, to put up the walls, to shut everyone out.
My mind is screaming, warning me to flee. “Run Leslie, this hurts. Run Leslie, we can’t handle this, This is much too strong for us.”
And yet….. I have this overwhelming love of God keeping me still, unable to hide. Unable to leave.
So what happens when the overwhelming love is leading you to face the pain, to keep your heart open…. to allow yourself to feel the brokenness. I cannot run but I cannot face this either. It is too painful. And although I am not revealing what “this” is made up of, I’m sure you can place your own “this” in your story and maybe even relate.
Let me remind us that joy comes in the morning. The tears we are sowing WILL reap joy. This is what I choose to believe. This brokenness will create strength. In an ironic and contradicting way, I am excited. This broken girl will become a strong spirit filled and led woman and although I absolutely hate this process, my reward is worth it all.
Leslie Tatiana ❤