I can’t express how relieved I am. Finally, I was free to tell our story. It’s not just mine, but also the story of all the people before me.

If you’re just tuning in, it can be heartbreaking, messy, and sometimes too much information. I hope you understand that my heart is not to throw stones or to create drama. What is done in the dark, must come to light. And it’s not fair to victims who have struggled with this in silence for over 10 years. If I’m the one that has to share for them, I will.

Part 2 is a little different. I want to tell you how I am standing now, still holding on to God, still believing, still hoping. And that sentence makes it seem so easy, like I’ve been steady these past 7.5 years, but I haven’t.

After that difficult conversation of me leaving the church I had served at, I was okay. I felt a new freedom and though I was hurting, I was happy to serve somewhere and still grow with God. I went to a Houston megachurch, joined a small group, and sat in services receiving and preparing myself to serve. I had a small negative experience in the small group with one of the leaders. After some time, we decided to move on to another church. At this church, which is the current church we still attend, we jumped right in. We served on Sundays and hosted small groups. We attended both services. We showed up to serve events and every event that needed volunteers. I felt strong enough. And somewhere in this season, I also had a negative experience with a leader. They triggered everything we had grown up hearing and experiencing. I ran hard and fast away from all things ministry. I felt like toxicity was everywhere within the church. There seemed to be no point in trying to serve or be involved. Eventually, I believed you would encounter the politics and people spiritually abusing others.

The pandemic happened and we became parents, so church was the last thing on my mind, which was unusual. I had gone into survival mode and relied on my hyper independence. I got me, I got it, I can figure it out. I’m not sure how it happened but little by little, my heart grew numb to anything related to God. I barely listened to my pastor’s messages and half of what he said made no sense to me. The songs triggered me and I would argue in my head with myself and probably with God. Oh loving? Oh you make all things new? You don’t fail? Why is there still a man out there living a secret life, while me and others are hurting? Who was protecting them? Who was looking out for them?

These were the conversations I would have any time I showed up. I started questioning if God even existed. In May of 2022, I began looking for information about atheism. I also explored deconstruction, but the kind that doesn’t lead you back to God. I even started reading a book about walking away from Christianity. I was desperate for clarity. I questioned if our desire to hope makes us believe in things that aren’t real. The problem with this is that from a very young age, I knew God. Without my family raising me in church, I had a relationship with God. I couldn’t deny the ways He had moved in my life. He brought a miracle when I most needed it. I was having an internal battle trying to decide what I was going to do. How would I raise my kids? How would I move forward in my marriage if this is the foundation we had chosen? Like I’m married to a PASTOR. How would we move forward as a wife who was no longer Christian?

Somewhere in the last 6 years, I forgave that man. I realized that I was only living life full of bitterness and it was doing NOTHING for me. A major part of my healing was realizing that he too was a child of God. *Cue eye rolling* but it’s true. If you are a believer, this is the piece of the story that truly got me. He too was chosen. He too was loved. He too was forgiven. And that IN NO WAY MEANS THAT WHAT HE HAS DONE IS EXCUSABLE. There are still CONSEQUENCES for his actions and his choices. However, God will redeem even the worst.

In January of this year (2023), I decided I needed to at least try. Our marriage was struggling, I was frustrated as a mom, as a church member. I remember showing up to a Tuesday night prayer, and telling God, “I’m f*cking mad at you. You let me down. You didn’t warn me. How could you leave me? Why didn’t you do something. I don’t f*cking trust you.” And I feel like this was what I needed to say to God to address the elephant in the room. I had spent years tiptoeing around the problem and in return, felt like I couldn’t even speak to God because what was there to talk about if we weren’t going to address the real problem? I spent the rest of the evening bawling in the back because it opened my heart up. The heart that was cold and guarded up, finally felt something.

From here, little things started happening. I started dreaming about this pastor almost weekly in April and that’s a whole story on its own. I also joined my pastors small group and it was one of the best decisions I could’ve made. We talked straight bible and broke down passages in the book of John, one of my favorite gospels. It took away all the lights, music, foo foo church crap and allowed me to just listen to the word which is what I so desperately needed. This didn’t “fix” everything for me though. I still had one foot out the door and that summer, I prayed something crazy. I told God that if he didn’t show up in a “I can’t deny this is you” type of way, I was done. I demanded a miracle, an audible voice, a burning bush type of sign. And a week or 2 later, God did just that.

I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I hope that you understand my heart. I believe no one talks about this, at least with raw honesty and vulnerability. I don’t mind telling you I dropped f bombs when talking to God because it’s what most of us want to do and we don’t, and then we’re stuck or we decide we no longer identify as Christians – when all we had to do was be honest. I also want you to know that there is hope and healing. I know it’s so cliche but ask God for a miracle and believe for it – the only way to find freedom is to deal with the messiness of heartbreak. All that to say that here I am again, moving forward, growing, serving, and reading my bible. Way differently this time than how we were taught when we were younger. I don’t want to be a religious leader who follows all the rules and misses one of the best part of this life on earth – humans. We can’t be so caught up in religion, that’s where the pain comes in. And humanity is messy and painful at times, but it’s also beautiful and full of life, and that’s part of being alive and being a human!

I don’t want to rush through this but I also don’t want to keep talking about the past. My focus in no longer to expose the past but instead to move forward and help others find Christ. It has been 2 years since I began writing this and my life is 100% different than it was. I am a different person. Thankful that I was able to be honest and confront my pain so I could move forward. The psalms have a lot of this honesty. The authors share how they feel, their biggest despairs, but this honest talk with God is what is necessary to move forward.

here is my advice if you feel lost, cynical, or broken:

1. Be honest. With yourself and with God, about your feelings, your thoughts, your despair.
2. Push through. Look for answers, keep showing up, push past your doubt and your heartbreak.
3. Get around people who will push you forward and answer your questions. If they can’t answer them, may they sit with you as you mourn.

Love yall!

“we’re back baby” *tiktok reference*

“I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalms 34:4