When Fathers Fail You

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Psalms 68:5

I believe that God always makes a way to take care of you and looking back, I can always see the people He brought into my life to guard me and to guide me.

My dad went to jail when I was really little. Probably younger than a year or right around that time, I’m not really sure when or why because we don’t speak of it, I just know that it happened and my memories of him are pictures of my mom taking me to see him in jail. We would drive a few hours to see him, arrive at 7:00AM to spend a few hours there. The officers would call him over the system and we’d have to wait for him to be called and come out. And this continued for the next few years, but because he was an immigrant, he was deported to Colombia and our communication over the years has been little to non existent.

I’m sure growing up without a father was a root of a lot of the problems I faced as a young girl and a teenager. I was boy crazy lol and so insecure – placed my identity in my looks, my hair, my popularity.

At 7 years old, I had a step dad and for the next 10 years, he would shape my identity. At first, he was my entire world! I had never had a dad and I was just so excited to be able to wear the daddy’s princess shirts (because I’ve never been able to) and to have someone to dance with at my Quinceanera or at my wedding. He would buy me toys, take us to the movies, plan my birthday parties, take us out of town, and so much more.

But then something shifted, something I didn’t understand when I was younger but now don’t blame him for. He was in his 20’s taking care of two kids who weren’t his and had life happening, just like we 20 year olds do. He became angry, aggressive, and controlling- with my entire family.

I was constantly grounded (because of my mouth – I never hold back lol) for things like mismatching my socks or a girl in my school writing on my arm. I would get my phone taken away for months for turning it in at 9:01 instead of 9:00PM. I felt like he was more affectionate towards my brother because my brother was always the calm, peaceful, good one and I was the one who brought trouble, talked back, fought in school.

I would get notes from the front office letting me know not to ride the bus because he was going to pick me up and I would be terrified the rest of the day, full of anxiety. I knew I had probably done something wrong and was going to get in trouble for it. Sometimes the car rides were a trip to get ice cream and other times, it was lectures and unreasonable anger. This created “waves” that would later follow me into my 20’s. Waves are the idea that I am simply tossed to and fro in life, with no control and no preparation, hence my need to control everything. There is always uncertainty with waves. And even though everything is going so well, something bad WILL come. Because with my step dad- something bad was always coming.

This continued through middle school and finally ended my 8th grade year when my parents finally split and he never came back.

Towards the end of his time with us, they would fight, he would leave and I would be so relieved for the next few weeks, secretly hoping he was gone for good.

And although my heart was hurting when he left because I was fatherless again and because my mom was hurting, I can’t tell you how relieved I was when it was finally set. I was finally able to be normal. To be a young girl. To be my wild loud self.

And to think that I once thought that normal was being a daddy’s girl but at this point felt normal was not having a dad. I was glad he was leaving so I could be a normal teenager and have a normal family.

After this season, I enjoyed life with the occasional teenager rebellion and drama. I felt like I had finally gotten my mom back and was able to confide in her because my step dad wasn’t controlling everything.

Then I turned 15 and started attending a youth group. Through this youth group, the youth pastor became a spiritual father, a father figure, a best friend and literally my entire world again.

And again, for the next 10 years, this man would shape me and make me mostly who I am today.

At first, everything seemed great. The “my dear’s” affirmed me and the texts and involvement in my life meant the world. At first I would ask bible questions and ask about theology because I was so hungry to know more. Then I would ask about relationships and life. And eventually I began to share every secret from my past to my present and of things to come. I shared my dreams, my failures, my heart and to me, I thought maybe this is what a father was like. He would take me home after services and would pay for my food, invite me to all the family events. I would celebrate him on Father’s day and honor him with a gift.

Eventually, the verbal & emotional, spiritual abuse began. I would get shamed and called out in public. Things like “shut up and sit down” or “stop acting like a freaking child” and even being told I was acting skanky or that I needed to get my crap together to be used by God was what I would constantly hear. These may not seem like much but I don’t believe anyone should be spoken to this way, blood or not.

And it wasn’t always this way. But one day, I woke up, 10 years in, and don’t really know how I allowed someone speak these words over my life when I am a strong girl, never afraid to defend myself.

I realized over a year ago that the feeling both my step dad and this new father figure made me feel was all too similar, too familiar.

And that’s when I began battling my connection to him. It feels almost easier for someone to walk out and never come back versus having to find courage to leave and then constant strength to not return when life feels like it’s falling apart.

You see, I learned to depend so much on him that whenever something would go wrong, I knew he could fix it, no matter how bad I had messed up.

And although the way I was spoken to and treated was not okay, I am thankful today.

He taught me to be strong, to show up no matter how I felt, to find beauty in my brokenness and developed me into the woman I am today.

And I was dreading today. Because father’s day is never easy for me. I am reminded that I am fatherless, that I only have one parent, that I have had one father walk out and 2 figures who failed me.

But it’s never about that, never about what someone does to you, but rather how you react and what you do with it.

I have chosen to forgive and to continue forgiving. It’s not easy. Some days I feel like I hate them and other days I want to cry because I miss him so much. And other times I want him to fix everything and just go back to “normal”.

What I choose to stand on is that nothing surprises the Lord. He sends humans to take care of us and in their humanity, they don’t get it right but at least they made an effort.

The Lord is the perfect father and I can finally view him that way. I woke up this morning and instead of feeling abandoned, I felt a sweet love entangling me. And the first words I whispered were “Happy Father’s Day my sweet God”

He knows my pain, my anger, my deepest sorrow. And I don’t have to explain that in this moment. All I have to do is respond to His faithfulness and know that He is good, and He truly is.

Maybe you have a dad and a mom. And maybe you can’t relate. But maybe there’s someone who failed you, abandoned you. Or someone you need to forgive. I want you to know it’s a choice. One to make DAILY! I have to remind myself daily to let the hurt go, forgive the words spoken over me, and to let go of those who walked out. Some days are easier than others but day by day, I make the choice.

Whatever you are facing today, know that God is good. He is faithful, he has your back and He always makes a way to take care of you, even when you don’t understand. Humans fail us all the time, just as we fail other humans too.

But the best thing about Jesus, is that He makes everything good. He covers us and allows a blessing to come out of the most painful moments in life.

A special father’s day to those who have stood in my life as one. I still honor you from a distance and choose to do it because the word of God tells me to honor and because of His grace in my own life.

Happy father’s day to my mom. I love you. Thank you for everything always. You are the best mom and dad we could’ve ever had.

And lastly, Happy Father’s Day my sweet God. Thank you for never failing me. Never walking away and for always loving me. You are my very favorite ever and I don’t know what I would do without you. A father to the fatherless. A father to me.

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know……. and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to ~~pity~~ me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

2018: Restoration

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you celebrated in the way that you desired! Whether it was in PJ’s, in sparkles, a suit, or dancing the night away.

I spent the night with my family and close friends and it was everything I hoped it could be. Anytime I can dress up, dance, and be with loved ones- I’m game!

I have been reflecting on 2017 all day and continuing to ponder on my vision for 2018.

And in all honesty, I was a bit overwhelmed today.

My heart has been processing all the loss that I had in the previous year and I began to miss people, miss moments, miss things. And you know, I don’t think this is a bad thing. So often we are taught to refocus when you think of the past, that friendship, or that ex. But I think we would be mentally stronger, more honest, and better off if we allowed ourselves to process the meaning of these feelings and thoughts when they happen.

I am not saying to dwell on it, and to listen to Adele… or to go look at pictures or stalk them on social media LOL but really…. Ask yourself, why am I thinking about this? Why am I missing them? What caused this today?

And here is what I discovered when I answered these questions today.

I am at peace with all the decisions I have made this year, at peace with all the things I have walked away from.

But 2018 terrifies me.

I am so afraid to screw it all up, to have a “lowest of lows” year, to stray off the path the Lord has set before me. And because of that, I began to think about this past year.

It’s so easy to miss the ~~old~~ because there is no surprise in it. You know the in’s and out’s of that environment, of that relationship, even of those habits you hate. It’s like you can almost bet on what will happen next and how it will happen, you can probably go all in and win.

And right now, everything is SO new to me that I am unsure of what comes next.

And for a control freak like me?!? Yeah, no.

But there are a few things I know for sure.

The Lord… His plans are so good, and I don’t need to worry about what is to come because I am 100% sure it will be good.

Also…. Fear will not and cannot stop me from living this year. Although I am scared, I will do it afraid. I will continue to live my life without my past, knowing that it will be a good year, even if it’s not how I imagined it to be. Because on December 31st, 2018 I will still be standing, with my hands in the air, declaring that the Lord IS truly good!

I would like to share my word for this year with you.

I am not going to lie and tell you I fasted and prayed for weeks before the year was over to hear from God what He was speaking over 2018 lol not quite

That is just not how I do things (at least not right now because I am not that disciplined, yet LOL) But I do hear from God and I had a word that was resonating in my spirit over the last few days of the year and I am sharing it to remind myself and you the power of God.

RESTORATION.

: an act of restoring or the condition of being restored: such as
a : a bringing back to a former position or condition : reinstatement the restoration of peace
b : restitution
c : a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition

I have lost (and gained) so much in previous years and especially in the last one. Some of that loss was mostly because of my own choices, which I will ALWAYS take full responsibility for… but it was also due to seasons, people, world events, LIFE.

For example, I lost a little faith in God. SO much happened in nature, in world news, in my own personal life, in my loved one’s lives… that there were many many many times I wanted to scream at God and ask Him, “what the heck man?!”

I also lost my vision for my life. I lost sight of what I am called to do.

And over the last few weeks, I have been dreaming and planning and receiving life into my heart.

But I truly believe this year, everything I have lost and everything I deliberately threw away will be restored. I know this one thing, and that is that God is faithful. The most faithful that I have ever known. Even when we aren’t.

And He takes every little thing possible and uses it in the GOOD plans that He has for us. I believe that He is the God who restores, and anything can be restored in Him.

Your faith, your hope, your health, your purity, your dreams, your relationships, your heart.

Nothing is wasted in Him and restoration is always possible.

Pray and ask the Lord to speak to you over your year. Your word or season may differ, but His hand is still over your life, just like it is in mine.

I can’t wait to write about the victories and losses this year and share them with you so you can be encouraged once again. I love reminding you that you are not alone, that we are more alike than you know. I will always be transparent and open when I can in order to bless you and bring you closer to the Lord and to your own dreams and visions.

Follow along as I testify of His goodness and His restoring Hand.

Here’s to dancing in His love another year,

XX,

Leslie

When the 20 Floor High Rise Falls

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Happy Monday! I hope November has treated you well. I have absolutely no complaints about this month except that I hate how cold it has been but I’m sure many disagree with me lol I have grown in many areas this month and have truly enjoyed every week which I am so thankful for. 2017 has turned around and is looking bright!

I do have something laying heavy on my heart which means it’s time for me to write and process it out so I can heal, let go, forgive, or whatever else I need to do.

To be honest, I’ve been afraid of processing this. Because I never want my blog to be a place where “shade” is thrown or felt or talked about but then if it’s taken that way, I can’t control it. The point is I never intend for it to be taken that way. I just like to share my heart, my struggles, and what I learn in the journey.

I have also been afraid because I didn’t want to cry. Crying would make what has happened real and I wasn’t sure I was ready to comprehend that. I’m not sure if these words will bring those stored up tears out but I am finally ready to process.

Sometimes you spend years building a reputation for yourself. You lay down the cement and build each floor year after year until hopefully by the end of it, you can step back and see a beautiful high rise.

hopecity

On the first floor, maybe you have generosity and all that occupies those hallways is how much you have given to friends, family, strangers. Resources, time, love, without desiring anything in return.

Maybe on the fifth floor, you have all the things you are against residing. Like lying, stealing, killing, betraying friends, cheating, bullying.

And maybe ALL the way at the top, you have your goals for your friendships, relationships, career, ministry.

Only after 10 years of building, something, someone, or an event completely destroy it.

Well that’s where I am currently at, but not quite. (I will explain, hang tight)

In this case, I won’t share details because they are unnecessary to me. But I have spent the last ten years of my life building a life, a world, and a reputation for myself. I knew I was kind, loud, adventurous, a believer, a friend, a natural leader, a girl who was against this and that, a girl who stood up for this and that.

And in this past month, all that crumbled.

I felt as though a bulldozer came into the comfort of my heart and my home, knocked the walls down until only dust remained. And my heart was exposed, cold, afraid, and very fragile.

Along with building a reputation, I also had walls that were mighty and strong and impossible to get over, but those all came tumbling down in just one night.

Reputation is defined as the beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone or something.

And to simply put it, that is ALL that it is. Mere OPINIONS held. They do not control your destiny, your calling, your character, or your future. And that is why I am not quite crushed under the rubble.

I want to be someone who is more concerned with my character than what my reputation is made out to be. You see, if I spend another 10 years worried about what people think of me and how people view me, not only will I have not advanced, but I would have gotten it ALL wrong.

I am more concerned with what’s in my heart, what the Lord says about me, and how I am bettering people’s lives. I haven’t had the time, the energy, or the desire to defend my reputation because part of me could care less. I also know that God will do that for me.

How is my heart? How do I treat my friends? How do I handle my job? How do I love my brothers and sisters? What can I do to change someone’s day today? These are the things that my mind is on and that is all about my character, not the opinions held about me.

I wrote in my previous blog that I recently made huge changes because I didn’t like who I had become over time and this month, so much within me has changed that I am pleased with who I am becoming.

I have to remind myself that it is okay to make decisions for myself, and that I have no obligation to explain that to anyone. My circle knows my heart, they know what’s best for me, and they stand by me without me asking for it.

The best part about my high rise being demolished is that I am already at the bottom. There is nothing left of what was and I love that. I have the chance to be who He intended me to be and not who I made myself appear to be.

I want to encourage you if you are currently in a similar situation or if you have ever been there before and are still in the aftermath of it.

Take courage friend.

Your life is not over and your world is not crushed. Who have you always wanted to be? How have you always wanted to live your life? What are your dreams, your passions, the things that make you come alive? Now you can run hard after those things without a reputation holding you back…. Because as bad as it sounds, you no longer have one.

I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with you type of pain. It wasn’t even as dramatic as me losing my breath and becoming anxious. Yes I was caught by surprise nonetheless, but it hurt in a way that ignited me to become better and to pursue my dreams even harder than I ever had before.

The Lord says you and I are whole. We are full of wisdom, we walk in power, in love, we laugh at the days to come because we are not afraid. He said He makes us strong, His peace surrounds us, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Speak that over yourself daily, especially when the reputation sucks.

He speaks LIFE over you and so do I.

We will get through this and the fruits to come are better than any 20 story high rise that was demolished. What a beautiful place to begin because He takes ashes and turns them into art to be displayed for His glory.

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..” Philippians 3:13

Here’s to character and better days,

Forever Dancing In His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Entering A New Season

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Happy November!! I have been so busy enjoying my life these past three weeks that I haven’t had the time to sit and write, which I’m so excited about because

The #~~writersblock~~ is finally gone and
I am truly enjoying my life.

The first of the month always marks a significance for me. It’s a do over, a fresh start, a new season, a new time in God. And honestly… it is exactly where I am right now. I’m sure I could tell you a million stories and make this blog endless with all the things that I could tell you from these last few months, but I won’t. I’ll keep it straight to the point and maybe on another blog, I’ll break those stories down. But here’s the deal….

About 3 years ago, I was part of a church plant and God stirred up a fire in me and a vision and for the season, it was all I could think about and all I wanted to do.

A few months ago, I start feeling a nudge, a push from God to move away from my comfort zone and to take a leap of faith. I tend to be very impulsive but leaps of faith are not always my forte.

But I was not moving forward where I was at and I felt like the Lord wanted to do a new thing in me so I made the decision to venture out away from my church plant and follow where He was leading me.

My decision was based on many different things that I prefer not to share at the moment because I am still processing and God is still moving in my heart, (so maybe for another time) but the biggest thing that led me to make the decision was God and I am 100% confident that the work He began, He will walk with me and see me through it. Leaving a place of familiarity is always scary, but what’s ahead is always better than staying somewhere God is no longer calling you to be.

It’s a new season.

My heart has been eager for this season for over a year now and I finally made decisions to take care of myself.

You see, I am someone who selflessly puts others before myself and I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t mean it in a prideful way, it’s just truth. And because I am also someone who is an extremist, I usually don’t find middle ground in anything.

But it was time for me to put my needs before anyone else’s…. and I did that.

I needed to be honest with myself and realize that the bitterness, the anger, the confusion, the brokenness I had in my heart wasn’t going to be removed in the same environment where I picked these things up. It was time to take care of Leslie…. to remember what it meant to dance in God’s love… not in shame, condemnation, lack of faith, fear, or anything else hindering my dance with my favorite being, Jesus.

And as I’m being honest with myself, I will be honest with you. I have not been happy for 2 years. And I don’t think that’s how life should be lived. What an insult to myself and to my God to be unhappy for two years, wasting my potential and my breath…. but I’m finally free to say that out loud because I found the light at the end of that dark road.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great memories these past two years, but I can’t remember the last time I really enjoyed my seasons, my life. You can see the brokenness in my blog posts, which again, I am thankful for because my brokenness has blessed some of you because of the words I have been able to string together to explain not only the pain, but also the promise at the end of it.

I can truly tell you that this past month, I have been full of joy, full of life, full of hope.

And finally catching my breath.

I don’t feel the anxiety for the future….

the heaviness of my chest when that relationship ended.

The short breaths when I would stay awake trying to find a way from under the rubble that was holding me hostage between who I wanted to be and my current state in life.

The drenched sweats I would wake up to because my nightmares were constant.

And this is the reality of what the last 7 months have been for me.

This is the truth of what was going on inside. God was tugging at my heart and trying to move me from a season I had overstayed.

And as soon as I made the decision to free myself from it and look to God, my entire life changed.

I want to share with you what I did to step into a new season, very briefly and maybe there will be a part 2 with more details.

First,

You have to come first. You have to take care of you at all costs. Because when you take care of you and put yourself first, it may seem selfish, but it’s not.

When you are at your best, the world gets to enjoy that and have the best version of you.

For example, I was constantly putting others needs before my own by guarding, protecting, showing up to every event even when I was exhausted, staying quiet instead of speaking up, and who did that bless? Really no one because inside I was tired, bitter, angry, confused, annoyed, etc. And that’s what everyone around me received.

Second,

Do not take anything that is hindering you into your new season.

I let go of relationships & people who weren’t blessing my journey.

I let go of my old mindset that life was never going to get better, that the waves would always come ashore and crash the life I was building.

I let go of bitterness, realizing I am in control of my life. I make my choices. I decide how I want to live and the life I want to create and enjoy.

Third,

be humble enough to take advice from the right people.

I have surrounded myself with leaders, pastors, sisters in Christ who are going to challenge me, correct me, and guide me to be the best me I can be. These people walk with me despite my attitude that day, despite any unwise decision I made, and they encourage me with love and most importantly, truth.

Stepping into a new season after you have been bound for years is intimidating but I can tell you firsthand that the sound of freedom is real. A burden is lifted and your vision will be cleared.

You will hear the chains falling, new doors will be opened, and He shall be faithful to complete the work He began in you. And enjoying your life and taking control of it is worth losing a few things along the way, in my opinion.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him.” Psalms 62:1

Dancing in His love once again,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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(P.S. Enjoy the new dress that launched on Mari Sabe. The cute sweater dress is true to size and so comfy!! Really enjoyed shooting this and being able to share it with all the ladies! You can shop for it directly here )

Good Shoes take you good places

If you haven’t noticed by all my OOTD’s on insta (@leslietatianap) I am a LOVER of shoes. A pair of cute shoes can turn my entire LIFE around. I am more of a heel type of girl but I will not fight any type of cute shoe! Especially in the summer and on #StreetStyle type days. This is officially my first ever fashion only post but that’s a little impossible for me so I’m combining my love for fashion and a little encouragement today.

Between my sweet mom and I, we have over 60 pairs of shoes and some of them, are over 10 years old because my mom is just that hip and amazing and takes care of things, unlike me. I am so excited to share with you my favorite Summer shoes. It was a really tough decision but I chose all the bright colors and comfy ones I love.
The Yellow Sandals are a new addition from JustFab and the perfect color for all things sun. I paired these with a white dress on Easter but I can’t wait to mix with other prints and colors this Summer. The chunky block heel makes it an easy choice because they are comfy enough to walk in and the open toe is perfect for hot days. $40 if you are a member. Sign Up Here!

These Teal Wedges are so dang CUTE!!! I tried looking for them to link them and I can’t find them anymore. But I love this bright, yet soft teal color. Don’t be afraid to try on a pair of shoes that look different because you might actually like them on. These are from Qupid. Take a look at their wedges. They are super cute and Summer ready!

When has Steve Madden ever failed you!?!? The correct answer is never! This is a pair we’ve had for at least 8 years now and they come in handy when I least expect! The heel is short enough to wear for long hours and check out that bow! This deep Teal is perfect to combine with other blues and greens.

Again, Steve Madden! These are the perfect pop of color to add to any outfit! Especially anything white. These again are over 7 years old but guess what!? I was able to find them on Poshmark & someone is selling them for $30. Size 7 & Size 6.5

You can never go wrong with a simple pair of brown wedges! I love these though because the straps are so unique and braided. Also, I would never have bought these because they have “too” much going but when I put them on, I fell for them lol These are super comfy, I can wear these all day! I bought them at Payless but found them for $10 on Poshmark! Size 8

Those are my favorite types of heels for the summer! Bright, comfy, and different! Be a little bold and choose the shoes you would never wear, you might actually love them. ❤

“How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger who brings good news, the good news of peace and salvation, the news that the God of Israel reigns!” -Isaiah 52:7

I LOVE this bible verse. It literally is telling you that the steps, the feet of those who bring good news are beautiful. This verse challenges me to be someone who not only carries good news daily, but someone who is constantly sharing peace and the truth of salvation- that Jesus died for our sins to save us and give us a new tomorrow. I choose to be a woman who is made up of this good news about Jesus, not just a 20 something year old with a fashion sense but nothing more to offer. Not only should you have cute shoes, but you should also walk in those shoes with such a purpose and such an authority that your entire atmosphere around you changes. Do you know the power you carry within you?! Be someone who carries good news, who changes the atmosphere in your group of friends, who walks in faith and not only in cute shoes, but in peace and salvation! Don’t you feel more powerful, more confident, more prepared when you have a cute set of shoes on your feet!? Well imagine that + carrying good news so that others can find the same joy!

Good shoes take you good places!

Forever Dancing in His Love.

with cute heels + good news,

Leslie Tatiana

10 One Word Messages

My phone vibrated ten times back to back and when I grabbed my phone, it was facebook messenger… my dad had sent 10 individual one-word messages just to ask me how I was doing which made me laugh. I don’t know much about him but I learned he doesn’t know how to type full sentences and instead sends one message at a time LOL

I wasn’t kidding when I wrote in previous blogs that I was in a constant journey of healing, & one of those processes is my relationship with my dad which is non-existent. I don’t lie when I say that I am working on it because I really am and transparency is so important to me for DYL. The fact that I have access to messages is because I opened up the line of communication and though it’s not healed, I’m trying, at my own pace and in my own time. This is huge right?! So I go to my texting app because I wanted to share with someone, “holyyyyy cow!!! look!!! *screenshot of messages*” but I had no one to text.

Not sure if you’ve ever been here, but my stomach was suddenly in my throat. I felt the familiar feeling of panic, of not being able to breathe…. only to realize I was holding my breath once again because that’s what I do to not feel the sting of whatever is hurting- this time loneliness. This monster invaded my mind, my heart, the atmosphere in my room and the rush caused my heart to beat faster, my hands to clam, and my mind to go 2,848,381 miles per hour.

I couldn’t reach out to anyone to share my progress and my big news. MY DAD WROTE TO ME AND SAID THIS AND SAID THAT AND ASKED ME THIS. But NO one.

Well, lie. I thought of the “hers” but I am not talking to her and she’s too busy with that, and she’s not going to understand because she doesn’t know this and she’s at work. And then I thought of the “hims” but he’s resting, and he shouldn’t be a choice, and I don’t want to bother him because I just spoke to him and I’m sure he’s busy. So yes, I thought of people to call but I didn’t feel peace calling anyone. I just needed to experience this for myself, give Leslie a moment to feel the pain, feel the excitement, feel the awkwardness, feel the anger.

It was MY moment.

Loneliness is sometimes God’s call for intimacy.

I have heard this way too many times but this was evident to me in this moment. I truly believe God wanted to teach me a few things in this moment and that wouldn’t have been possible if I would’ve ran to “she” or “he” instead of sitting in stillness and reflecting. I am not alone because He is always with me. The enemy could have had me in this moment and I could have let my emotions control me all day, stayed in bed, cried really ugly, ice cream, movie, sleep, etc. But I didn’t. Instead I ran straight to God, I was like okay God what are you trying to teach me? And I think this makes all the difference. The Lord allowed this moment for a reason and as I reflect now, it caused me to run to Him instead of running to someone else and not getting the reaction I expected and demanded. It’s always so difficult for me to run to God first because I want to be physically and emotionally comforted in that moment, when I want it. There are so many beautiful moments that could be shared with Jesus first if I would simply slow down and think. My dad… that’s not an easy topic for me and though I am able to talk about it now (progress!!!) I cannot put myself in a vulnerable position to share that with just anyone. I have to guard my heart and therefore, Jesus is always the best first choice.

Placing my hope in people will always hurt me.

I also realized how much I depend on people, which is not a bad thing, except for when it keeps me from getting to God. I want to be in the middle of everything, to be loved by everyone, to write amazing blogs about everything I learn, to be in every ministry possible, and have my hands in all things…. but reality is that when I do all these things, it leaves no room for me and God. I stop dancing with God because I am attempting to catch every other song and routine I hear around me. And in the end I get hurt. People can’t satisfy me and people will fail me, just like I fail them. And to avoid this ridiculous bar I have for people to be everything I need them to be, my hope needs to be anchored in God.

I’m sure you have been here before. Maybe all you desire is to have close friends you can run to when situations turn upside down. This is not bad. We were created to have relationship, with both God & other humans. But Jesus must always be in the center of it all. The moment anything or anyONE else becomes something you seek more than Him, then there’s a problem.

I have a desire to be loved and accepted by everybody and they mommas. And this people pleasing characteristic in me causes me to run everywhere else except to His presence. To be honest, people will always fail us. They will be too busy, too caught up, too tired, too annoyed, and that’s okay because we’ve all been there.

But God…. Oh boy is He different. He doesn’t grow tired of your rants. He doesn’t get bored when you tell Him the same story again. He is never too busy to catch your tears, to surround you with His presence as you let it all out. And the best part, He will never walk away.

Praying that if you are feeling alone you can find rest in His presence. May He satisfy that emptiness you feel. He can do it and He does it with gladness. You can place your full confidence in Him because He, unlike me and unlike Man, will never fail you.

Dancing in Your love,

Leslie xx

| Kimono Style Cardigan: Kohls (Similar) | White Seamless Tank: JCPenney |

| Boyfriend Jeans: HM (Similar) | Oxfords: Dolce Vita (Poshmark Sale) |