I Failed in 4 Days

And just like that the first week of 2018 is over and we begin a new one.

If you are anything like me, AKA human, the first week didn’t go as planned. I had all these great plans and goals and an atmosphere that I wanted to set for this year… but somewhere in the middle of the week, I failed. I failed so bad.

And it sucks.

I worked out one day. I read my bible 3 out of 6 days.

My room is a mess, like an earthquake named Leslie happened.

I hurt a really dear friend.

Like is it possible to mess everything up in a matter of 4 days?! Because I did.

But I learned something.

What happens when it’s a new beginning, but you are still the same person you were in the last chapter? With the same habits, the same past, the same fears, the same same same!?

YOU FREAKIN FIGHT ANYWAYS.

I will admit that I was discouraged for a bit. I felt like the rest of the year was going to suck. And I’m dramatic so then I wanted it to be December 31st, 2018 so I could be in 2019 LOL I thought my world was crushed and that I had really done it this time.

but then I was reminded of God and His mercies. And let me tell you, I am so so thankful that they are new every morning. I don’t ever want to be someone who abuses the grace that God so freely showers us with, but because I am so dramatic and such an over thinker, and grew up with an overly strict step dad, I have to remind myself that I AM HUMAN AND I WILL NOT ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT. So I showered, got dolled up, and kept going and working towards my dreams.

I caught up in my daily bible reading, starting cleaning (started because seriously don’t know how I made that much of a mess LOL)

We will never advance if we stop moving forward every time we make a mistake or trip up a little. It is bound to happen because we are human and can only do so much ya know? But what matters is how you continue in the process. The small steps that you take make all the difference.

I was so afraid to make a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t wanna dream big for DYL and fail. I didn’t want to say that I would read daily and then miss a few days and feel horrible and lost.

But in order to enter a new season, YOU have to actually enter it.

You, being, the messy, confused, loud, shy, scared, annoying, sensitive you. And while you walk out your new season, you can turn back and see the progress you have made.

So if your week was anything like mine, I want to encourage you: KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Take a deep breath, relax, remind yourself that you are human and you are doing the best you can. Refocus, rewrite your goals, and start again. We don’t need a whole new year to start all over. Everyday is a fresh opportunity to make better choices and to take tiny little steps towards your destiny.

KEEP MOVING. KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP STRIVING. KEEP DREAMING.

The best is yet to come and even though we screwed up, we still have 51 weeks to go and it’s not over yet!

I believe in you, I believe in His plans for you.

Lets get it!

Dancing In His Love,

Leslie Tatiana

Entering A New Season

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Happy November!! I have been so busy enjoying my life these past three weeks that I haven’t had the time to sit and write, which I’m so excited about because

The #~~writersblock~~ is finally gone and
I am truly enjoying my life.

The first of the month always marks a significance for me. It’s a do over, a fresh start, a new season, a new time in God. And honestly… it is exactly where I am right now. I’m sure I could tell you a million stories and make this blog endless with all the things that I could tell you from these last few months, but I won’t. I’ll keep it straight to the point and maybe on another blog, I’ll break those stories down. But here’s the deal….

About 3 years ago, I was part of a church plant and God stirred up a fire in me and a vision and for the season, it was all I could think about and all I wanted to do.

A few months ago, I start feeling a nudge, a push from God to move away from my comfort zone and to take a leap of faith. I tend to be very impulsive but leaps of faith are not always my forte.

But I was not moving forward where I was at and I felt like the Lord wanted to do a new thing in me so I made the decision to venture out away from my church plant and follow where He was leading me.

My decision was based on many different things that I prefer not to share at the moment because I am still processing and God is still moving in my heart, (so maybe for another time) but the biggest thing that led me to make the decision was God and I am 100% confident that the work He began, He will walk with me and see me through it. Leaving a place of familiarity is always scary, but what’s ahead is always better than staying somewhere God is no longer calling you to be.

It’s a new season.

My heart has been eager for this season for over a year now and I finally made decisions to take care of myself.

You see, I am someone who selflessly puts others before myself and I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t mean it in a prideful way, it’s just truth. And because I am also someone who is an extremist, I usually don’t find middle ground in anything.

But it was time for me to put my needs before anyone else’s…. and I did that.

I needed to be honest with myself and realize that the bitterness, the anger, the confusion, the brokenness I had in my heart wasn’t going to be removed in the same environment where I picked these things up. It was time to take care of Leslie…. to remember what it meant to dance in God’s love… not in shame, condemnation, lack of faith, fear, or anything else hindering my dance with my favorite being, Jesus.

And as I’m being honest with myself, I will be honest with you. I have not been happy for 2 years. And I don’t think that’s how life should be lived. What an insult to myself and to my God to be unhappy for two years, wasting my potential and my breath…. but I’m finally free to say that out loud because I found the light at the end of that dark road.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great memories these past two years, but I can’t remember the last time I really enjoyed my seasons, my life. You can see the brokenness in my blog posts, which again, I am thankful for because my brokenness has blessed some of you because of the words I have been able to string together to explain not only the pain, but also the promise at the end of it.

I can truly tell you that this past month, I have been full of joy, full of life, full of hope.

And finally catching my breath.

I don’t feel the anxiety for the future….

the heaviness of my chest when that relationship ended.

The short breaths when I would stay awake trying to find a way from under the rubble that was holding me hostage between who I wanted to be and my current state in life.

The drenched sweats I would wake up to because my nightmares were constant.

And this is the reality of what the last 7 months have been for me.

This is the truth of what was going on inside. God was tugging at my heart and trying to move me from a season I had overstayed.

And as soon as I made the decision to free myself from it and look to God, my entire life changed.

I want to share with you what I did to step into a new season, very briefly and maybe there will be a part 2 with more details.

First,

You have to come first. You have to take care of you at all costs. Because when you take care of you and put yourself first, it may seem selfish, but it’s not.

When you are at your best, the world gets to enjoy that and have the best version of you.

For example, I was constantly putting others needs before my own by guarding, protecting, showing up to every event even when I was exhausted, staying quiet instead of speaking up, and who did that bless? Really no one because inside I was tired, bitter, angry, confused, annoyed, etc. And that’s what everyone around me received.

Second,

Do not take anything that is hindering you into your new season.

I let go of relationships & people who weren’t blessing my journey.

I let go of my old mindset that life was never going to get better, that the waves would always come ashore and crash the life I was building.

I let go of bitterness, realizing I am in control of my life. I make my choices. I decide how I want to live and the life I want to create and enjoy.

Third,

be humble enough to take advice from the right people.

I have surrounded myself with leaders, pastors, sisters in Christ who are going to challenge me, correct me, and guide me to be the best me I can be. These people walk with me despite my attitude that day, despite any unwise decision I made, and they encourage me with love and most importantly, truth.

Stepping into a new season after you have been bound for years is intimidating but I can tell you firsthand that the sound of freedom is real. A burden is lifted and your vision will be cleared.

You will hear the chains falling, new doors will be opened, and He shall be faithful to complete the work He began in you. And enjoying your life and taking control of it is worth losing a few things along the way, in my opinion.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him.” Psalms 62:1

Dancing in His love once again,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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(P.S. Enjoy the new dress that launched on Mari Sabe. The cute sweater dress is true to size and so comfy!! Really enjoyed shooting this and being able to share it with all the ladies! You can shop for it directly here )

Hold Her Arms Up

It’s hard to believe that everyone has difficult seasons and that sometimes, life is not at all how you planned or hoped it would be. Everyone goes through it.

How do you react when it happens to you?

How do you react when it happens to someone else?

These last few months have been difficult for me. Which is why I haven’t written in a few weeks. It has been hard to find beauty in my mess, mostly because I was avoiding anything God related and anything life related. I wanted to live in my own world that didn’t include people, rules, words, expectations, responsibilities, anything at all. I always get to a specific door, where on the other side my destiny and my ministry await, but I get too scared to walk through so I stand at the window, looking in at what I could have and who I could be.

And today, I am finally at the crossroads where it’s time to make a decision.

I am either in. or I am out.

And both have consequences and sacrifices, but I have chosen to stay in the fight and be in.

Walking out this season, I have realized that I haven’t been myself. These last few weeks, maybe I was grumpy, or moody, or irresponsible, or rebellious, or aggressive, or restless, or anxious, or unsure, or sad, or mad, or confused.

And maybe all of them all at once.

And then, as I recollect, refocus, relight the fire… I have a glimpse of grace. Grace is when God chooses to take me back and love me anyway. Grace is God allowing me to feel His love and His presence, letting His word take my heart, my mind, and my thoughts captive so that my eyes can lock with His.

Grace is…. Him & I once more.

And then I think to myself…… wow, do I even do that for me?

And one step further, do I do that for others?

The answer is no. I judge myself and hold myself to a standard, which is not wrong, but it’s exhausting when I have my eyes on my own strength and not what He can do. I take myself out of the fight because I didn’t get it right the first time…… but what if this is the 10th time and I am still not getting it right? His strength, not mine.

And then to those around me…. I expect them to walk without failure, to be kind, to be present, to be available, to love me, to support me, to protect me. Yet, I haven’t quite figured out how to do all those things for myself, much less for others.

So here’s an apology. To myself, to you, and to God, I am sorry I haven’t extended grace and I am sorry that I have expected too much out of you. I get it. It is inevitable to make mistakes and miss the mark because we are humans.

Forgive me for not extending grace to you and to our battles. Each person fights their battles and feels like they’re drowning so I am sorry if I haven’t made that process easier for you.

And to God, my sweet sweet Jesus… Forgive me for taking this life for granted. For taking so long to lift my hands to worship and for standing outside the window, watching, instead of turning the knob and stepping in by faith. Fear has gotten the best of me and I dropped my eyes to look at the road, rather than keeping them locked with your gaze.

I also ask that if you have friends around you in difficult seasons, that you hold them up and show them the same grace we have received.

The Bible says in Exodus 17:10-12

So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

Aaron and Hur held Moses’ hands up because if they went down for any reason, the battle would be lost. This is the same act we should do for each other. You never know when someone might be on their last ounce of strength and when they need you to simply hold their arms up until the morning comes.

Don’t be so quick to judge when your people are not themselves. Life can be tough so let’s hold the arms up and win the battle as we stand right next to them.

Forever Dancing In His Love,