When Fathers Fail You

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Psalms 68:5

I believe that God always makes a way to take care of you and looking back, I can always see the people He brought into my life to guard me and to guide me.

My dad went to jail when I was really little. Probably younger than a year or right around that time, I’m not really sure when or why because we don’t speak of it, I just know that it happened and my memories of him are pictures of my mom taking me to see him in jail. We would drive a few hours to see him, arrive at 7:00AM to spend a few hours there. The officers would call him over the system and we’d have to wait for him to be called and come out. And this continued for the next few years, but because he was an immigrant, he was deported to Colombia and our communication over the years has been little to non existent.

I’m sure growing up without a father was a root of a lot of the problems I faced as a young girl and a teenager. I was boy crazy lol and so insecure – placed my identity in my looks, my hair, my popularity.

At 7 years old, I had a step dad and for the next 10 years, he would shape my identity. At first, he was my entire world! I had never had a dad and I was just so excited to be able to wear the daddy’s princess shirts (because I’ve never been able to) and to have someone to dance with at my Quinceanera or at my wedding. He would buy me toys, take us to the movies, plan my birthday parties, take us out of town, and so much more.

But then something shifted, something I didn’t understand when I was younger but now don’t blame him for. He was in his 20’s taking care of two kids who weren’t his and had life happening, just like we 20 year olds do. He became angry, aggressive, and controlling- with my entire family.

I was constantly grounded (because of my mouth – I never hold back lol) for things like mismatching my socks or a girl in my school writing on my arm. I would get my phone taken away for months for turning it in at 9:01 instead of 9:00PM. I felt like he was more affectionate towards my brother because my brother was always the calm, peaceful, good one and I was the one who brought trouble, talked back, fought in school.

I would get notes from the front office letting me know not to ride the bus because he was going to pick me up and I would be terrified the rest of the day, full of anxiety. I knew I had probably done something wrong and was going to get in trouble for it. Sometimes the car rides were a trip to get ice cream and other times, it was lectures and unreasonable anger. This created “waves” that would later follow me into my 20’s. Waves are the idea that I am simply tossed to and fro in life, with no control and no preparation, hence my need to control everything. There is always uncertainty with waves. And even though everything is going so well, something bad WILL come. Because with my step dad- something bad was always coming.

This continued through middle school and finally ended my 8th grade year when my parents finally split and he never came back.

Towards the end of his time with us, they would fight, he would leave and I would be so relieved for the next few weeks, secretly hoping he was gone for good.

And although my heart was hurting when he left because I was fatherless again and because my mom was hurting, I can’t tell you how relieved I was when it was finally set. I was finally able to be normal. To be a young girl. To be my wild loud self.

And to think that I once thought that normal was being a daddy’s girl but at this point felt normal was not having a dad. I was glad he was leaving so I could be a normal teenager and have a normal family.

After this season, I enjoyed life with the occasional teenager rebellion and drama. I felt like I had finally gotten my mom back and was able to confide in her because my step dad wasn’t controlling everything.

Then I turned 15 and started attending a youth group. Through this youth group, the youth pastor became a spiritual father, a father figure, a best friend and literally my entire world again.

And again, for the next 10 years, this man would shape me and make me mostly who I am today.

At first, everything seemed great. The “my dear’s” affirmed me and the texts and involvement in my life meant the world. At first I would ask bible questions and ask about theology because I was so hungry to know more. Then I would ask about relationships and life. And eventually I began to share every secret from my past to my present and of things to come. I shared my dreams, my failures, my heart and to me, I thought maybe this is what a father was like. He would take me home after services and would pay for my food, invite me to all the family events. I would celebrate him on Father’s day and honor him with a gift.

Eventually, the verbal & emotional, spiritual abuse began. I would get shamed and called out in public. Things like “shut up and sit down” or “stop acting like a freaking child” and even being told I was acting skanky or that I needed to get my crap together to be used by God was what I would constantly hear. These may not seem like much but I don’t believe anyone should be spoken to this way, blood or not.

And it wasn’t always this way. But one day, I woke up, 10 years in, and don’t really know how I allowed someone speak these words over my life when I am a strong girl, never afraid to defend myself.

I realized over a year ago that the feeling both my step dad and this new father figure made me feel was all too similar, too familiar.

And that’s when I began battling my connection to him. It feels almost easier for someone to walk out and never come back versus having to find courage to leave and then constant strength to not return when life feels like it’s falling apart.

You see, I learned to depend so much on him that whenever something would go wrong, I knew he could fix it, no matter how bad I had messed up.

And although the way I was spoken to and treated was not okay, I am thankful today.

He taught me to be strong, to show up no matter how I felt, to find beauty in my brokenness and developed me into the woman I am today.

And I was dreading today. Because father’s day is never easy for me. I am reminded that I am fatherless, that I only have one parent, that I have had one father walk out and 2 figures who failed me.

But it’s never about that, never about what someone does to you, but rather how you react and what you do with it.

I have chosen to forgive and to continue forgiving. It’s not easy. Some days I feel like I hate them and other days I want to cry because I miss him so much. And other times I want him to fix everything and just go back to “normal”.

What I choose to stand on is that nothing surprises the Lord. He sends humans to take care of us and in their humanity, they don’t get it right but at least they made an effort.

The Lord is the perfect father and I can finally view him that way. I woke up this morning and instead of feeling abandoned, I felt a sweet love entangling me. And the first words I whispered were “Happy Father’s Day my sweet God”

He knows my pain, my anger, my deepest sorrow. And I don’t have to explain that in this moment. All I have to do is respond to His faithfulness and know that He is good, and He truly is.

Maybe you have a dad and a mom. And maybe you can’t relate. But maybe there’s someone who failed you, abandoned you. Or someone you need to forgive. I want you to know it’s a choice. One to make DAILY! I have to remind myself daily to let the hurt go, forgive the words spoken over me, and to let go of those who walked out. Some days are easier than others but day by day, I make the choice.

Whatever you are facing today, know that God is good. He is faithful, he has your back and He always makes a way to take care of you, even when you don’t understand. Humans fail us all the time, just as we fail other humans too.

But the best thing about Jesus, is that He makes everything good. He covers us and allows a blessing to come out of the most painful moments in life.

A special father’s day to those who have stood in my life as one. I still honor you from a distance and choose to do it because the word of God tells me to honor and because of His grace in my own life.

Happy father’s day to my mom. I love you. Thank you for everything always. You are the best mom and dad we could’ve ever had.

And lastly, Happy Father’s Day my sweet God. Thank you for never failing me. Never walking away and for always loving me. You are my very favorite ever and I don’t know what I would do without you. A father to the fatherless. A father to me.

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know……. and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to ~~pity~~ me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

Entering A New Season

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Happy November!! I have been so busy enjoying my life these past three weeks that I haven’t had the time to sit and write, which I’m so excited about because

The #~~writersblock~~ is finally gone and
I am truly enjoying my life.

The first of the month always marks a significance for me. It’s a do over, a fresh start, a new season, a new time in God. And honestly… it is exactly where I am right now. I’m sure I could tell you a million stories and make this blog endless with all the things that I could tell you from these last few months, but I won’t. I’ll keep it straight to the point and maybe on another blog, I’ll break those stories down. But here’s the deal….

About 3 years ago, I was part of a church plant and God stirred up a fire in me and a vision and for the season, it was all I could think about and all I wanted to do.

A few months ago, I start feeling a nudge, a push from God to move away from my comfort zone and to take a leap of faith. I tend to be very impulsive but leaps of faith are not always my forte.

But I was not moving forward where I was at and I felt like the Lord wanted to do a new thing in me so I made the decision to venture out away from my church plant and follow where He was leading me.

My decision was based on many different things that I prefer not to share at the moment because I am still processing and God is still moving in my heart, (so maybe for another time) but the biggest thing that led me to make the decision was God and I am 100% confident that the work He began, He will walk with me and see me through it. Leaving a place of familiarity is always scary, but what’s ahead is always better than staying somewhere God is no longer calling you to be.

It’s a new season.

My heart has been eager for this season for over a year now and I finally made decisions to take care of myself.

You see, I am someone who selflessly puts others before myself and I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t mean it in a prideful way, it’s just truth. And because I am also someone who is an extremist, I usually don’t find middle ground in anything.

But it was time for me to put my needs before anyone else’s…. and I did that.

I needed to be honest with myself and realize that the bitterness, the anger, the confusion, the brokenness I had in my heart wasn’t going to be removed in the same environment where I picked these things up. It was time to take care of Leslie…. to remember what it meant to dance in God’s love… not in shame, condemnation, lack of faith, fear, or anything else hindering my dance with my favorite being, Jesus.

And as I’m being honest with myself, I will be honest with you. I have not been happy for 2 years. And I don’t think that’s how life should be lived. What an insult to myself and to my God to be unhappy for two years, wasting my potential and my breath…. but I’m finally free to say that out loud because I found the light at the end of that dark road.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great memories these past two years, but I can’t remember the last time I really enjoyed my seasons, my life. You can see the brokenness in my blog posts, which again, I am thankful for because my brokenness has blessed some of you because of the words I have been able to string together to explain not only the pain, but also the promise at the end of it.

I can truly tell you that this past month, I have been full of joy, full of life, full of hope.

And finally catching my breath.

I don’t feel the anxiety for the future….

the heaviness of my chest when that relationship ended.

The short breaths when I would stay awake trying to find a way from under the rubble that was holding me hostage between who I wanted to be and my current state in life.

The drenched sweats I would wake up to because my nightmares were constant.

And this is the reality of what the last 7 months have been for me.

This is the truth of what was going on inside. God was tugging at my heart and trying to move me from a season I had overstayed.

And as soon as I made the decision to free myself from it and look to God, my entire life changed.

I want to share with you what I did to step into a new season, very briefly and maybe there will be a part 2 with more details.

First,

You have to come first. You have to take care of you at all costs. Because when you take care of you and put yourself first, it may seem selfish, but it’s not.

When you are at your best, the world gets to enjoy that and have the best version of you.

For example, I was constantly putting others needs before my own by guarding, protecting, showing up to every event even when I was exhausted, staying quiet instead of speaking up, and who did that bless? Really no one because inside I was tired, bitter, angry, confused, annoyed, etc. And that’s what everyone around me received.

Second,

Do not take anything that is hindering you into your new season.

I let go of relationships & people who weren’t blessing my journey.

I let go of my old mindset that life was never going to get better, that the waves would always come ashore and crash the life I was building.

I let go of bitterness, realizing I am in control of my life. I make my choices. I decide how I want to live and the life I want to create and enjoy.

Third,

be humble enough to take advice from the right people.

I have surrounded myself with leaders, pastors, sisters in Christ who are going to challenge me, correct me, and guide me to be the best me I can be. These people walk with me despite my attitude that day, despite any unwise decision I made, and they encourage me with love and most importantly, truth.

Stepping into a new season after you have been bound for years is intimidating but I can tell you firsthand that the sound of freedom is real. A burden is lifted and your vision will be cleared.

You will hear the chains falling, new doors will be opened, and He shall be faithful to complete the work He began in you. And enjoying your life and taking control of it is worth losing a few things along the way, in my opinion.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him.” Psalms 62:1

Dancing in His love once again,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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(P.S. Enjoy the new dress that launched on Mari Sabe. The cute sweater dress is true to size and so comfy!! Really enjoyed shooting this and being able to share it with all the ladies! You can shop for it directly here )

5 ways to attract Quality

Ladies.

Quality attracts quality. No not just in relationships, although it applies, but in everything you do. If you want the best of the best, you have to carry yourself in such a way that allows you to receive that. I am obviously a girl so I can only give you a girl’s perspective, but I always pray that this blesses you even if you are a gentleman, & though this particular one is directed to my ladies- guys you can learn a lot too 😉

Dress how you want to be addressed.

NO JUDGMENT ZONE OKAY!? But being treated like a lady and carrying yourself with a higher standard has a lot to do with how you dress. I love shorts and clothes and all things fashion but there is a line between fashion and being cute…. And just revealing your entire package to the world. You do not have to reveal everything you have to offer. The world does not need to know what your body looks like and how big how small…… etc. Being classy and acting like a lady means dressing like it too. I can’t expect people (not just guys) to respect me if I walk around dressed like I don’t have a mission, a calling, a greater purpose than just eye candy. Mmmm.

“Your dresses should be tight enough to show you’re a woman,

and loose enough to show you’re a lady.”

2. The words you speak, become the house you live in.

This is probably one the hardest ones for me out. I am impulsive, I speak when I want, i say what I want and I half the time don’t care how it comes across. But this isn’t always (most of the time) right. I truly believe that the tongue has the power of life or death and we do not understand the significance of it. I can create the atmosphere around me. I can tear or build others up. I can cause people to react to me a certain way because of how I speak of myself. My words, and yours, have that much power. Think of your life as the house…. What kind of house do you want to live in? Do you want one filled with drama, pain, low self esteem, negativity? Or do you want a house full of life, boldness, courage, love, and strength? A lady thinks of these things and plans her words well 😉

3. And you, you scare people because you are whole all by yourself.

You don’t need anyone to complete you, to survive, to pay your bills, to honestly…. Do anything. People should ADD to your life but should never be the reason you are alive and breathing. Part of being a lady is strengthening your ability to be independent. Of course I want to be loved the way I love, of course I like gifts and acts of kindness and all of it, but I don’t necessarily need it to be okay. I am well able to dream, grow, develop, and cultivate what I want from life all by myself. Anyone walking with me should ADD to that, not BE that.

4. A clean home is a happy home.

Literally & figuratively. I am in the process of getting rid of things in my room and in my home that I don’t use, (bc this is probably my longest lasting mountain LOL I will be working on this one till I die) It takes up space, makes it easier for me to make a mess out of more, and it’s clutter. I can’t tell you how stress- free it is getting into my car and not having a million and one things to sort through just to find my purse, or trying to remember where those cute shoes are. Such a waste of time and embarrassing!! Also…. Remember how your life is the home? Get rid of anything that is mess in your home, whether that is relationships, friendships, environments, habits, routines…. Whatever is not working- get rid of it.

5. Keep your heels, head, and standards high.

I LOVE HEELS, so yes. But on a serious note, those standards… This has happened to me so many times. I really liked a boy so I would forget everything I was taught, or everything I wanted to be. This is just ridiculous lol you don’t have to compromise your purity, your personality or your dreams for the sake of a significant other. NO. If he is the one for you, then guess what?! You won’t need to change your standards so they can catch up. They should already be running the race next to you, and if anything AHEAD of you, leading the way.

You will constantly be changing and growing. Your convictions will also change depending on your seasons and where you are in life. When I was in my teens, I was totally against shorts and bathing suits and all types of crazy strict dressing rules for MYself. And now that I am older, I love bathing suits and I will maybe wear a crop top. People are all different and not everyone will always agree, but my decisions are for me and for my circle of influence. Do the decisions I make today affect the girls who look up to me, my future daughters, and sisters across the nation? I truly believe they do and I would never want to cause people to question my beliefs, my dreams, or my calling as a lady. Obviously, you can’t please everyone!

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Carry yourself like you are worthy, like you have a purpose, and like you represent something bigger than yourself, because you do. The focus isn’t to attract a man, although that’s a plus(hallelujur), the purpose is to live a life of quality, one you can be proud of for genenrations to come.

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

| Outfit |

5 Lessons of 2016

I could lie and tell you that I’ve been busy, that I’ve been great, and that I haven’t had time to write, but then that wouldn’t be truth.

Truth is I have days where I don’t want to write. Because it overwhelms me, having to make sure content is good enough to relate to and interesting enough to even read, but I have to remind myself that this is not the purpose behind my writing. Or sometimes I simply don’t want to share what I’m going through because I haven’t quite found the sunshine in it. It’s good to take a break and refocus.

I write because it allows me to get my thoughts together and to reflect on whatever situation I am currently in whether it’s one I am enjoying or one I am struggling through. And I share because I know someone somewhere can relate and feel my support.

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2016. life

Obviously it’s coming to an end and it’s natural for us to think “oh crap” or even “ugh finally”.

We began the year with so many goals, dreams, with a high hope. I remember my word for this year was FREEDOM.

I can’t tell you how true that has been. Both in a positive and negative way.

I have found a freedom to simply be… myself. I grew so tired of trying to please loved ones and of always trying to do what was expected of me. Here are a few things I found freedom in.

I dropped out of school a year ago. I only have 7 classes left to finish my psychology degree but I am in no rush. I HATE school, and I rarely use the word. I just cannot understand the system, learning “~~all~~” there is to know about a subject only to work for someone else and not ever work to your full potential or for your actual dreams. And do not even get me started on those ridiculous school loans that I’ll be paying even after my death!!!! I will eventually finish because I only have a little ways to go, but it’s not in my plans any time soon. I lovelovelove psychology, I just don’t like the system I am forced to adapt to.
I finally quit my job of three years, went into apartment leasing, hated it so much I cried at the end of each day, quit that, and went into another salon, which I love so much. I got so much crap about not staying at a job and switching so much and yes it affected me financially, but I am at such peace and so happy, i ain’t even mad. I only work a few hours a week so it gives me time to myself and to pursue my dreams. There is nothing more I’d like to say here 😉
I started choosing my friends carefully, by my own terms and not anyone else’s. I also stopped listening to advice on relationships from people who aren’t dating and started making decisions on what was best for me. I have the sweetest friendships right now, even though it’s not people I talk to every single day. They have their lives, dreams, responsibilities and that’s okay.
I started taking more risks, which in a sense may seem “bad” but I think it has helped me gain new perspectives and it has grown me as a woman, as a person. And I don’t regret it. I don’t regret going to my first bar, going on random dates, bonfires at 2AM, random road trips alone, and so on.
I discovered so many unhealthy cycles I constantly go through caused by things in my childhood and though it isn’t something I am actively seeking to heal in this moment, I found so much freedom in understanding that my cycles had a trigger, a reason behind them and I am not just a broken wandering soul.

As I look back on my year, I am thankful for how much I have developed mentally & emotionally.

I am so excited it’s December! This is by far my favorite month of the year (besides May). Everything is bright and merry and full of love. Texas has been ridiculously cold and though I am a lover of my hot hot summers, I have been actually enjoying the weather. Full of cuddles, blankets, hoodies, heaters, long lazy days of Gilmore Girls with my sister, and so much more ❤️

My advice these next few weeks would be for you to reflect on 2016. Think about the lessons you learned and what you LOVED about this year, but don’t ignore the battles and those situations you hated. There are habits you can carry into this year because they support your dreams, and unfortunately others that will be the death of you. You are in charge of your success, of achieving your dreams. How you end this year WILL determine how 2017 begins.

You don’t have to settle for anything other than amazing!

Let’s chase our dreams together. I, too, am preparing for this new year.

Here’s to ending 2016 with a bang!

XX Leslie Tatiana