Tag Archives: depression

Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know…….  and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to pity me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

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It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

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The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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The Truth About Anxiety

I feel it sitting on my chest like a filing cabinet full of 1999 records was dropped on me.

I slowly feel the oxygen leaving my body and my breaths becoming more frequent, more panicked. I’m gasping for air. Gasping for freedom.

Gasping, gasping.

Yet nothing is changing.

I look down and see my wrists bound. Tied together by a rope of emotional trauma and a circle of lies I’ve been feeding myself.

I am holding the rope with my mouth. I tied my wrists with my need for control and fear of myself, and as I’m slowly losing oxygen, I am also refusing to let go of the rope.

I am an addict. I have an addiction.

An addiction I have created within myself, for pain, trauma, loss, heartache, death.

Because even though it hurts, at least I feel.

Because without it, I am numb.

Without my addiction, I am alone.

And rather than being alone in a lit up room, I’d rather sit in the dark with my monsters.

But I’m running out oxygen…. gasping, gasping.

I am running out of time. Tick Tock.

and the burden is too much to carry. And I wanna be free. And I long for the night in which I don’t crave my addiction, where I don’t injected myself with the pain and the heartache.

Where I understand that I deserve better, that I am worth freeing.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And I want to drop the rope and release my wrists. Release my heart.

But how?? Because as the anxiety sits boldly on my chest, I clench the rope tighter with my teeth.

Freedom, where are you?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years now. It wasn’t always like this but I find the more I look for God and attempt to release control of my life, the harder the anxiety fights me. The deeper I look into my heart and into everything that makes me- me, the more scared I become, which isn’t right but it’s where I am. I wrote this last week and felt so much relief releasing it and admitting to myself that I am anxious, that this heaviness I feel is real. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not defined by it, but it is real and I feel it in this season so strongly. And I wanted to share because after talking to a few friends, coworkers, etc., I realized I am not the only one struggling with these feelings. Here’s what helped me and how I am having a better week.

  1. I determined what was causing my anxiety and tackled it as fast as I could. This time it was a conversation I needed to have with someone very close to my heart. Once I had that talk, I instantly felt relieved and at peace, knowing we were both on the same page and choosing to move forward. I know this is not always possible but I always do my best to talk to the person (if it’s related to someone) and if I can’t, I write a letter or a text message that I never send but I still write it out. SO whatever is taking your peace, tackle it right away.
  2. I ran to God. Cliche, but I really decided to be honest and share not only what I felt, and what was causing me heartache. From experience, this is sometimes a quick fix and other times, the situation may not change, but it aligns my thoughts and feelings with the simple truth that God is in control and nothing surprises Him. I love this because once the anxiety is gone, I don’t have to turn around and suddenly apologize to God for not going to Him, but instead I was looking to Him the entire time. Because I have learned that whether it rains or shines today, He is still good and is still God.
  3. I surrounded myself with specific people that would build me up and not make the anxiety worse. I sat in my friends kitchen floor as she baked cakes and just cried. And she let me. Which is the greatest thing someone could do for me in that moment. I didn’t need to hear how to fix it, how to let it go, how to be strong, I just needed to cry.

I’m sure there will be a part II to this, because God is good and my anxiety will not prevail. His peace will flood my heart, my thoughts, my spirit. I pray that if you are dealing with something similar, may the God who made the universe, the God who has great plans for your life and a love like no other, may He surround you with His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Philippians 4:6

Dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana