I feel it sitting on my chest like a filing cabinet full of 1999 records was dropped on me.
I slowly feel the oxygen leaving my body and my breaths becoming more frequent, more panicked. I’m gasping for air. Gasping for freedom.
Yet nothing is changing.
I look down and see my wrists bound. Tied together by a rope of emotional trauma and a circle of lies I’ve been feeding myself.
I am holding the rope with my mouth. I tied my wrists with my need for control and fear of myself, and as I’m slowly losing oxygen, I am also refusing to let go of the rope.
I am an addict. I have an addiction.
An addiction I have created within myself, for pain, trauma, loss, heartache, death.
Because even though it hurts, at least I feel.
Because without it, I am numb.
Without my addiction, I am alone.
And rather than being alone in a lit up room, I’d rather sit in the dark with my monsters.
But I’m running out oxygen…. gasping, gasping.
I am running out of time. Tick Tock.
and the burden is too much to carry. And I wanna be free. And I long for the night in which I don’t crave my addiction, where I don’t injected myself with the pain and the heartache.
Where I understand that I deserve better, that I am worth freeing.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And I want to drop the rope and release my wrists. Release my heart.
But how?? Because as the anxiety sits boldly on my chest, I clench the rope tighter with my teeth.
Freedom, where are you?
I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years now. It wasn’t always like this but I find the more I look for God and attempt to release control of my life, the harder the anxiety fights me. The deeper I look into my heart and into everything that makes me- me, the more scared I become, which isn’t right but it’s where I am. I wrote this last week and felt so much relief releasing it and admitting to myself that I am anxious, that this heaviness I feel is real. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not defined by it, but it is real and I feel it in this season so strongly. And I wanted to share because after talking to a few friends, coworkers, etc., I realized I am not the only one struggling with these feelings. Here’s what helped me and how I am having a better week.
- I determined what was causing my anxiety and tackled it as fast as I could. This time it was a conversation I needed to have with someone very close to my heart. Once I had that talk, I instantly felt relieved and at peace, knowing we were both on the same page and choosing to move forward. I know this is not always possible but I always do my best to talk to the person (if it’s related to someone) and if I can’t, I write a letter or a text message that I never send but I still write it out. SO whatever is taking your peace, tackle it right away.
- I ran to God. Cliche, but I really decided to be honest and share not only what I felt, and what was causing me heartache. From experience, this is sometimes a quick fix and other times, the situation may not change, but it aligns my thoughts and feelings with the simple truth that God is in control and nothing surprises Him. I love this because once the anxiety is gone, I don’t have to turn around and suddenly apologize to God for not going to Him, but instead I was looking to Him the entire time. Because I have learned that whether it rains or shines today, He is still good and is still God.
- I surrounded myself with specific people that would build me up and not make the anxiety worse. I sat in my friends kitchen floor as she baked cakes and just cried. And she let me. Which is the greatest thing someone could do for me in that moment. I didn’t need to hear how to fix it, how to let it go, how to be strong, I just needed to cry.
I’m sure there will be a part II to this, because God is good and my anxiety will not prevail. His peace will flood my heart, my thoughts, my spirit. I pray that if you are dealing with something similar, may the God who made the universe, the God who has great plans for your life and a love like no other, may He surround you with His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Dancing in His love,
Thank you for this post Tatiana. It really spoke to me and I feel bits of it were exactly what I needed to hear.
I have always had anxiety and turning to God always helped me. This time however I exarcerbated it by making a dumb decision trying a drug– an experience that I can never erase. Now I’m not only anxious about what I’ve done but also that a family member might follow in my path. I’m so happy that you have friends that understand what you’re going through; I need people like that in my life.
I will pray to God for both of us. We’re gonna be okay! Thanks again!