The Truth About Anxiety

I feel it sitting on my chest like a filing cabinet full of 1999 records was dropped on me.

I slowly feel the oxygen leaving my body and my breaths becoming more frequent, more panicked. I’m gasping for air. Gasping for freedom.

Gasping, gasping.

Yet nothing is changing.

I look down and see my wrists bound. Tied together by a rope of emotional trauma and a circle of lies I’ve been feeding myself.

I am holding the rope with my mouth. I tied my wrists with my need for control and fear of myself, and as I’m slowly losing oxygen, I am also refusing to let go of the rope.

I am an addict. I have an addiction.

An addiction I have created within myself, for pain, trauma, loss, heartache, death.

Because even though it hurts, at least I feel.

Because without it, I am numb.

Without my addiction, I am alone.

And rather than being alone in a lit up room, I’d rather sit in the dark with my monsters.

But I’m running out oxygen…. gasping, gasping.

I am running out of time. Tick Tock.

and the burden is too much to carry. And I wanna be free. And I long for the night in which I don’t crave my addiction, where I don’t injected myself with the pain and the heartache.

Where I understand that I deserve better, that I am worth freeing.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And I want to drop the rope and release my wrists. Release my heart.

But how?? Because as the anxiety sits boldly on my chest, I clench the rope tighter with my teeth.

Freedom, where are you?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years now. It wasn’t always like this but I find the more I look for God and attempt to release control of my life, the harder the anxiety fights me. The deeper I look into my heart and into everything that makes me- me, the more scared I become, which isn’t right but it’s where I am. I wrote this last week and felt so much relief releasing it and admitting to myself that I am anxious, that this heaviness I feel is real. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not defined by it, but it is real and I feel it in this season so strongly. And I wanted to share because after talking to a few friends, coworkers, etc., I realized I am not the only one struggling with these feelings. Here’s what helped me and how I am having a better week.

  1. I determined what was causing my anxiety and tackled it as fast as I could. This time it was a conversation I needed to have with someone very close to my heart. Once I had that talk, I instantly felt relieved and at peace, knowing we were both on the same page and choosing to move forward. I know this is not always possible but I always do my best to talk to the person (if it’s related to someone) and if I can’t, I write a letter or a text message that I never send but I still write it out. SO whatever is taking your peace, tackle it right away.
  2. I ran to God. Cliche, but I really decided to be honest and share not only what I felt, and what was causing me heartache. From experience, this is sometimes a quick fix and other times, the situation may not change, but it aligns my thoughts and feelings with the simple truth that God is in control and nothing surprises Him. I love this because once the anxiety is gone, I don’t have to turn around and suddenly apologize to God for not going to Him, but instead I was looking to Him the entire time. Because I have learned that whether it rains or shines today, He is still good and is still God.
  3. I surrounded myself with specific people that would build me up and not make the anxiety worse. I sat in my friends kitchen floor as she baked cakes and just cried. And she let me. Which is the greatest thing someone could do for me in that moment. I didn’t need to hear how to fix it, how to let it go, how to be strong, I just needed to cry.

I’m sure there will be a part II to this, because God is good and my anxiety will not prevail. His peace will flood my heart, my thoughts, my spirit. I pray that if you are dealing with something similar, may the God who made the universe, the God who has great plans for your life and a love like no other, may He surround you with His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Do not be anxious about anything,┬ábut in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Philippians 4:6

Dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana