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Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know…….  and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to pity me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

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It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

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The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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2018: Restoration

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you celebrated in the way that you desired! Whether it was in PJ’s, in sparkles, a suit, or dancing the night away.

I spent the night with my family and close friends and it was everything I hoped it could be. Anytime I can dress up, dance, and be with loved ones- I’m game!

I have been reflecting on 2017 all day and continuing to ponder on my vision for 2018.

And in all honesty, I was a bit overwhelmed today.

My heart has been processing all the loss that I had in the previous year and I began to miss people, miss moments, miss things. And you know, I don’t think this is a bad thing. So often we are taught to refocus when you think of the past, that friendship, or that ex. But I think we would be mentally stronger, more honest, and better off if we allowed ourselves to process the meaning of these feelings and thoughts when they happen.

I am not saying to dwell on it, and to listen to Adele… or to go look at pictures or stalk them on social media LOL but really…. Ask yourself, why am I thinking about this? Why am I missing them? What caused this today?

And here is what I discovered when I answered these questions today.

I am at peace with all the decisions I have made this year, at peace with all the things I have walked away from.

But 2018 terrifies me.

I am so afraid to screw it all up, to have a “lowest of lows”  year, to stray off the path the Lord has set before me. And because of that, I began to think about this past year.

It’s so easy to miss the old because there is no surprise in it. You know the in’s and out’s of that environment, of that relationship, even of those habits you hate. It’s like you can almost bet on what will happen next and how it will happen, you can probably go all in and win.

And right now, everything is SO new to me that I am unsure of what comes next.

And for a control freak like me?!? Yeah, no.

But there are a few things I know for sure.

The Lord… His plans are so good, and I don’t need to worry about what is to come because I am 100% sure it will be good.

Also…. Fear will not and cannot stop me from living this year. Although I am scared, I will do it afraid. I will continue to live my life without my past, knowing that it will be a good year, even if it’s not how I imagined it to be. Because on December 31st, 2018 I will still be standing, with my hands in the air, declaring that the Lord IS truly good!

I would like to share my word for this year with you.

I am not going to lie and tell you I fasted and prayed for weeks before the year was over to hear from God what He was speaking over 2018 lol not quite

That is just not how I do things (at least not right now because I am not that disciplined, yet LOL) But I do hear from God and I had a word that was resonating in my spirit over the last few days of the year and I am sharing it to remind myself and you the power of God.

RESTORATION.

: an act of restoring or the condition of being restored: such as
a : a bringing back to a former position or condition : reinstatement the restoration of peace
b : restitution
c : a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition

I have lost (and gained) so much in previous years and especially in the last one. Some of that loss was mostly because of my own choices, which I will ALWAYS take full responsibility for… but it was also due to seasons, people, world events, LIFE.

For example, I lost a little faith in God. SO much happened in nature, in world news, in my own personal life, in my loved one’s lives… that there were many many many times I wanted to scream at God and ask Him, “what the heck man?!”

I also lost my vision for my life. I lost sight of what I am called to do.

And over the last few weeks, I have been dreaming and planning and receiving life into my heart.

But I truly believe this year, everything I have lost and everything I deliberately threw away will be restored. I know this one thing, and that is that God is faithful. The most faithful that I have ever known. Even when we aren’t.

And He takes every little thing possible and uses it in the GOOD plans that He has for us. I believe that He is the God who restores, and anything can be restored in Him.

Your faith, your hope, your health, your purity, your dreams, your relationships, your heart.

Nothing is wasted in Him and restoration is always possible.

Pray and ask the Lord to speak to you over your year. Your word or season may differ, but His hand is still over your life, just like it is in mine.

I can’t wait to write about the victories and losses this year and share them with you so you can be encouraged once again. I love reminding you that you are not alone, that we are more alike than you know. I will always be transparent and open when I can in order to bless you and bring you closer to the Lord and to your own dreams and visions.

Follow along as I testify of His goodness and His restoring Hand.

Here’s to dancing in His love another year,

XX,

Leslie