Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know……. and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to ~~pity~~ me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

I Failed in 4 Days

And just like that the first week of 2018 is over and we begin a new one.

If you are anything like me, AKA human, the first week didn’t go as planned. I had all these great plans and goals and an atmosphere that I wanted to set for this year… but somewhere in the middle of the week, I failed. I failed so bad.

And it sucks.

I worked out one day. I read my bible 3 out of 6 days.

My room is a mess, like an earthquake named Leslie happened.

I hurt a really dear friend.

Like is it possible to mess everything up in a matter of 4 days?! Because I did.

But I learned something.

What happens when it’s a new beginning, but you are still the same person you were in the last chapter? With the same habits, the same past, the same fears, the same same same!?

YOU FREAKIN FIGHT ANYWAYS.

I will admit that I was discouraged for a bit. I felt like the rest of the year was going to suck. And I’m dramatic so then I wanted it to be December 31st, 2018 so I could be in 2019 LOL I thought my world was crushed and that I had really done it this time.

but then I was reminded of God and His mercies. And let me tell you, I am so so thankful that they are new every morning. I don’t ever want to be someone who abuses the grace that God so freely showers us with, but because I am so dramatic and such an over thinker, and grew up with an overly strict step dad, I have to remind myself that I AM HUMAN AND I WILL NOT ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT. So I showered, got dolled up, and kept going and working towards my dreams.

I caught up in my daily bible reading, starting cleaning (started because seriously don’t know how I made that much of a mess LOL)

We will never advance if we stop moving forward every time we make a mistake or trip up a little. It is bound to happen because we are human and can only do so much ya know? But what matters is how you continue in the process. The small steps that you take make all the difference.

I was so afraid to make a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t wanna dream big for DYL and fail. I didn’t want to say that I would read daily and then miss a few days and feel horrible and lost.

But in order to enter a new season, YOU have to actually enter it.

You, being, the messy, confused, loud, shy, scared, annoying, sensitive you. And while you walk out your new season, you can turn back and see the progress you have made.

So if your week was anything like mine, I want to encourage you: KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Take a deep breath, relax, remind yourself that you are human and you are doing the best you can. Refocus, rewrite your goals, and start again. We don’t need a whole new year to start all over. Everyday is a fresh opportunity to make better choices and to take tiny little steps towards your destiny.

KEEP MOVING. KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP STRIVING. KEEP DREAMING.

The best is yet to come and even though we screwed up, we still have 51 weeks to go and it’s not over yet!

I believe in you, I believe in His plans for you.

Lets get it!

Dancing In His Love,

Leslie Tatiana

Entering A New Season

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Happy November!! I have been so busy enjoying my life these past three weeks that I haven’t had the time to sit and write, which I’m so excited about because

The #~~writersblock~~ is finally gone and
I am truly enjoying my life.

The first of the month always marks a significance for me. It’s a do over, a fresh start, a new season, a new time in God. And honestly… it is exactly where I am right now. I’m sure I could tell you a million stories and make this blog endless with all the things that I could tell you from these last few months, but I won’t. I’ll keep it straight to the point and maybe on another blog, I’ll break those stories down. But here’s the deal….

About 3 years ago, I was part of a church plant and God stirred up a fire in me and a vision and for the season, it was all I could think about and all I wanted to do.

A few months ago, I start feeling a nudge, a push from God to move away from my comfort zone and to take a leap of faith. I tend to be very impulsive but leaps of faith are not always my forte.

But I was not moving forward where I was at and I felt like the Lord wanted to do a new thing in me so I made the decision to venture out away from my church plant and follow where He was leading me.

My decision was based on many different things that I prefer not to share at the moment because I am still processing and God is still moving in my heart, (so maybe for another time) but the biggest thing that led me to make the decision was God and I am 100% confident that the work He began, He will walk with me and see me through it. Leaving a place of familiarity is always scary, but what’s ahead is always better than staying somewhere God is no longer calling you to be.

It’s a new season.

My heart has been eager for this season for over a year now and I finally made decisions to take care of myself.

You see, I am someone who selflessly puts others before myself and I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t mean it in a prideful way, it’s just truth. And because I am also someone who is an extremist, I usually don’t find middle ground in anything.

But it was time for me to put my needs before anyone else’s…. and I did that.

I needed to be honest with myself and realize that the bitterness, the anger, the confusion, the brokenness I had in my heart wasn’t going to be removed in the same environment where I picked these things up. It was time to take care of Leslie…. to remember what it meant to dance in God’s love… not in shame, condemnation, lack of faith, fear, or anything else hindering my dance with my favorite being, Jesus.

And as I’m being honest with myself, I will be honest with you. I have not been happy for 2 years. And I don’t think that’s how life should be lived. What an insult to myself and to my God to be unhappy for two years, wasting my potential and my breath…. but I’m finally free to say that out loud because I found the light at the end of that dark road.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great memories these past two years, but I can’t remember the last time I really enjoyed my seasons, my life. You can see the brokenness in my blog posts, which again, I am thankful for because my brokenness has blessed some of you because of the words I have been able to string together to explain not only the pain, but also the promise at the end of it.

I can truly tell you that this past month, I have been full of joy, full of life, full of hope.

And finally catching my breath.

I don’t feel the anxiety for the future….

the heaviness of my chest when that relationship ended.

The short breaths when I would stay awake trying to find a way from under the rubble that was holding me hostage between who I wanted to be and my current state in life.

The drenched sweats I would wake up to because my nightmares were constant.

And this is the reality of what the last 7 months have been for me.

This is the truth of what was going on inside. God was tugging at my heart and trying to move me from a season I had overstayed.

And as soon as I made the decision to free myself from it and look to God, my entire life changed.

I want to share with you what I did to step into a new season, very briefly and maybe there will be a part 2 with more details.

First,

You have to come first. You have to take care of you at all costs. Because when you take care of you and put yourself first, it may seem selfish, but it’s not.

When you are at your best, the world gets to enjoy that and have the best version of you.

For example, I was constantly putting others needs before my own by guarding, protecting, showing up to every event even when I was exhausted, staying quiet instead of speaking up, and who did that bless? Really no one because inside I was tired, bitter, angry, confused, annoyed, etc. And that’s what everyone around me received.

Second,

Do not take anything that is hindering you into your new season.

I let go of relationships & people who weren’t blessing my journey.

I let go of my old mindset that life was never going to get better, that the waves would always come ashore and crash the life I was building.

I let go of bitterness, realizing I am in control of my life. I make my choices. I decide how I want to live and the life I want to create and enjoy.

Third,

be humble enough to take advice from the right people.

I have surrounded myself with leaders, pastors, sisters in Christ who are going to challenge me, correct me, and guide me to be the best me I can be. These people walk with me despite my attitude that day, despite any unwise decision I made, and they encourage me with love and most importantly, truth.

Stepping into a new season after you have been bound for years is intimidating but I can tell you firsthand that the sound of freedom is real. A burden is lifted and your vision will be cleared.

You will hear the chains falling, new doors will be opened, and He shall be faithful to complete the work He began in you. And enjoying your life and taking control of it is worth losing a few things along the way, in my opinion.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him.” Psalms 62:1

Dancing in His love once again,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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(P.S. Enjoy the new dress that launched on Mari Sabe. The cute sweater dress is true to size and so comfy!! Really enjoyed shooting this and being able to share it with all the ladies! You can shop for it directly here )