It’s been a while.
I haven’t been able to journal or to write because that would need sitting still and quiet. And sitting still would mean facing what has happened these last few months.
I wasn’t ready to do that. And there are days where I still feel numb and in a daze. But I am doing my best to awaken and come to life.
This was originally a record of my journey. My journey with God. My journey to healing. My journey in life. But somewhere from January to February, I lost that.
And fear came.
And confusion came.
And everything that could possibly come, came.
School sucked. Relationships sucked. Family sucked. I walked the opposite direction and picked the door that led me to a valley. I am still recovering. Still attempting to find my mountain and my God.
But can I just be even more honest? This walk to healing is the hardest walk I’ve ever been on. Having to shuffle through years of memories, that lead to a rush of pain. A knot in my throat. A sudden loss of breath. A flood of thoughts. Then I really can’t breathe.
Only to realize that I am holding my breath. I am refusing to feel pain. I have to run and find the exit door before it’s too late. Before it all comes rushing back. The strange thing is that I had no idea what I was running from. I have no idea what hurts and what scares me, I just have the need to hide from it.
Today, I am becoming more aware of what I was running from. And maybe that’s another journal to share on another day. The only way I can face this pain is knowing that once I get through it, God will be closer than ever. Knowing that I have faithful friends who love me and only want me to grow. That is what gives me the strength to face this giant.
I can do this. I will do this. I will survive. I can breathe.
So here is to this journey once more. Here is to healing.
Leslie, you can do this.
In Him I can find peace
In Him I can find joy
In Him I can find love
In Him I can find mercy
In Him I can find identity
In Him I can find security
In Him I can find everything I don’t have
In Him I can find everything I am not
In Him I can find everything I cannot do
I definitely did not write as much as a wanted to in October… Actually I only wrote on October 1st. But it’s difficult. The world demands my attention and my time. School. Church. Relationships. Work. Of course these are necessary and I love being a part of each, but sometimes its nice to just sit on my couch, and be still. And those moments are so rare for me nowadays that I really appreciate them when they come around.
Today as I was scrolling down Instagram I saw a quote that grabbed my attention.
Yes, I know. God is the one we should look to, but I want to explain this in a different perspective. Giving the glory to God always, but think about this. We have the ability to DECIDE how we will turn out. Our circumstances and culture do influence how you feel and how you perceive the world, but it is YOUR choice and your decisions that form the course of your life and your identity. You do not need a guy, a girl, a person, to change your entire life. You have the power to do that, today. This really ministered to my heart because I am in a season now where I have to want the change, I have to decide to let change in and trust that whatever the outcome, God is good. This is hard. Especially when the choice is yours. I can either sit here, stay where I am, continue to have a hidden box in my heart and defend myself any time something in that box is triggered…. Or I can choose to trust God, to believe that what He has for me is good, no matter the pain I feel now, the end of the process will be worth it.
And so yes, I decide to go in deeper, I decide to change my life, to open my heart and even though I am afraid, I will hold on to God with everything that is within me.
So here it goes.
First Day of October.
First Day blogging.
First Day of a new month.
I am attempting to write things out this month, versus keeping it bottled inside, and exploding later.
I have decided to take control of my life. As much as I can of course. Taking too much control always causes a fit & a unnecessary rebellion against God.
But I have decided to heal and to grow…. & to determine the way October will be.I have dreams and desires. & even deep down inside, there are things my spirit dreams of that I yet do not know of.
I would like to begin to develop my dreams and to have goals, so I know what I am working towards. What am I called to do? Why do I lead at Revive? Where do I see this going? What do I want to do with my life?
These seem silly when I think about other people reading them out loud. but it’s true. I constantly run around life a chicken without its head and… I think I’m tired of it.My life needs order. My room needs to stay clean. My finances need to exceed “pay check to pay check” habits. My car needs to stay clean. My homework and tests need to be completed and reflect my dedication and hard work. I am blessed. I go to a wonderful school and I need to take advantage of that.
I love my job…. But the people cause me heartache. So should I stay to keep my manager happy? Or should I go, to take care of myself? These are answers I hope to find this month and these are situations I hope to change.
One Day At A Time.