Author Archives: Leslie Salazar

Hi! I'm Leslie. I am 29 years old, lover of God, life, and people who make me laugh. I am in constant search of who I am and what I was created for. Sometimes I'm a little emotional, fully feeling ALL my feelings and other days I'm quiet and lost in thought, but nonetheless I love everything this life has to offer. Here's my journey to figuring out who I am & discovering secrets of my creator.

To gaze on the beauty of the Lord

I was in Barnes & Noble tonight, browsing because I love reading and one can never have too many books!
There were so many books on dating, so many opinions and advices and thoughts on what godly dating is like and what the bible says about it and what authors think it should be like.
It’s been 5 months since I decided to stop dating for a year…. & it really hasn’t been as easy. I’ve found myself lonely driving home or lonely on the weekends when all my friends are with their boyfriends. But I have also found it strangely satisfying. Getting to take care of myself and learning who I am… It’s literally a love hate relationship LOL like I want to go on sweet dates but then I also want to be left alone and make decisions thinking only of myself. See cus being with a significant other, all want to do is serve and take care of the other person and make sure that they are okay- which sometimes caused me to lose myself in them. So in this season I’ve taken time to see what I like to do. And to depend on myself for my own growth and happiness.

It’s been a hard few months, my flesh desires to cling to someone, to share my hard days with and to rejoice together and oh BOY do I have options- not in a conceited way lol but I can take matters into my own hands and make something happen but that isn’t I want. In the moments when I feel most alone and I crave someone’s presence to be next to me, I go back to my vision and my dream. I want to be able to be on my knees worshipping, worried about His kingdom and in that process, find someone who is willing to run with me, to build His kingdom, to build our own dreams, and someone who will care for me and my spirit. LOL LIKE IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR?!

Just kidding.

So I’ve resisted making moves, making myself available. I’m been a little of both guarded and open if that makes any sense. I’ve been guarded to any romance, but I’ve been openly making new friends and carrying conversations. In that process, I’ve learned more of what I also like and don’t like.

Now what I’m struggling with is my love story with God… It’s a hard and complex thing. God as father and God as my first love
1. I don’t have a relationship with my earthly father so trying to go deeper with God in this area is ridiculously hard. Like what the heck does that even mean? What does that even look like? Totally clueless.
2. My romantic relationships haven’t been examples I want to follow so understanding this level of love with God…. It’s also different.

And here is what I have so far:

Do you know that He desires to know you? He desires to love you and to entangle you with His ropes of love. And how beautiful it is to think of the Lord, the definition of love, loving you 😍 He’s the sweetest, most constant love I’ve ever known and despite my guarded heart and my insecurities and my fears of His love, it doesn’t change His sweet embrace. He doesn’t give up and he continues to entice me, to dance with me. And as long as He always does this, then nothing else matters. It’s worth the wait, worth the fight. His plans are good and I am trusting this sweet, but difficult process because like He has promised- it will be more beautiful than I ever imagined.

My prayer these next few months:

“One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.”

Psalms 27:4

Praying you’re encouraged!! God IS good! How sweet is it to have the freedom to gaze upon His beauty and for Him to return the gesture!? Cannot wait for these next few months and how He will surprise me and how much deeper we will go together.

Forever dancing,

God of Miracles.

It’s been such a strange season for many of us at Revive. Our worship leaders Israel and Jeanette Belford were flooded with tough news about the pregnancy that had just begun only a few short weeks before. And what is for most a joyful experience turned into a battle, as they prayed and worshipped, choosing to believe in the God of Miracles. From the moment they found out to today… Revive and other Families have surrounded them and been with them in every step.

Today, 1:37 AM, I am sitting in a waiting room, with 2 sleeping, 8 awake but tired people, at the Texas Children’s Hospital in the Medical Center.

Although our faith is being tested, my heart is full in a strange way. 

I am astonished first at the perseverance of the Belford’s. Leading worship every Sunday, choosing to celebrate Baby Belford AND still raising their hands to glorify God. I sense the tiredness, I sense the fear, but what is more- the trust in our sweet sweet Jesus. They have truly shown what it means to fight and be still, to wait on the Lord and believe in His promises.

And then, the amount of people who have called in, left work early, stepped off the elevator and walked through these doors on the 9th floor. It is said that during the worst times of life, you will see the true colors of people who say they care for you. And I am oh so thankful that this generation is living what they believe. We are told to love one another, to lock arms and share in joy, to share in mourning. The world sees hypocrisy and jealousy and hatred and judges and let me just take a moment…. To breathe in this beauty.

We actually get to put into practice what we believe. The support that has been shown is indescribable. And although we won’t physically feel Jeanette’s pain, and maybe we can’t relate to how Israel feels as a new father, I am so full of gratitude to the God we serve. Only He can pull this off. Bring people from all types of walks, churches, histories, and bring them all together for ONE purpose- to see a miracle. To unite in faith and belief that He is still unstoppable, that He has the last word.


Regardless of the outcome by the end of our time here at Texas Children’s, God is still good and our position does not change-

To God be the glory  

Forever and ever

Amen

Waiting on The Lord

Being completely transparent.

I have recently made huge changes in my life.

Probably because I’m early 20’s…. Deciding who I’m going to be, what I am going to do, and every other anxious decision that comes with 21.

One of these changes led to a decision, a decision of singleness for a year- meaning no boys, no dates, no flirting, no late night calls, and nothing else that means boyfriend.

My entire life- I can go back to seasons and remember the relationship I was in, the moment I felt like my life was falling apart, and then meeting someone new, and forgetting all about the previous season. And no offense to anyone else who enjoys this, but I refuse to have a life summarized and described by the relationships I’ve had and failed in. I am tired of fighting God and giving Him tiny tiny pieces of my heart, and then pouring my heart out in things that resulted in chaos. That cycle is mediocre and I was created for so much more.

So in these last few weeks of being with myself…. I have experienced some great days, and some….. days that swallow me whole, with little oxygen and sunlight.

I wish I could say it’s been easy. I wish I could say “wow it’s been a year already and i’m so much wiser”. Truth is, it hasn’t been a year LOL only less than a month.

The days that swallow me- I can barely hear God, mostly because I’m focused on my physical loneliness. I have no plans no desires no peace just fear and a million thoughts and questions and doubts and my past plays in my head and I want answers NOW and I want things my way and I want my plans and I want me to be satisfied and I have the worst attitude ever and….. Stop. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. God is good Leslie, Remember, He is Good.

Honestly, I cry and cry and cry and sometimes it’s better. But other times, the tears don’t stop. It’s an endless hole of emptiness and pain that I cannot even begin to accurately describe without losing the beauty of the process.

But then there’s the good days ❤ and these are the things that fill me with hope. I wake up, and the voice of God is so soft… so sweet…. so calm. And my day is organized. I pray, I worship. I dwell all day. I grow as a woman- filling my day with the things that will move me forward.

I am strangely enjoying this season.

I love Mondays. I clean, finish my home chores. I read, which I used to adore doing, but forgot with time.

I literally unplug, stay off my phone, go to a movie alone, and I just enjoy my own company. Absolutely amazing because I never thought I would be one to experience this and secretly crave it.

Waiting on the Lord is not easy. But oh man is it such an EXPERIENCE.

I’m not waiting on the Lord simply to date, but to simply move. I have no control over the things that will come, or the ones that will not, but what I can do is worship. I choose to worship. I choose to bend my knees, to fight through my legs numbing, to sing and tell the Lord what I am feeling, what I am believing for. I choose to speak and share my heart with Him because He is worthy and so faithful. There is no other stance that I will take. I don’t have all the answers and I have no idea what my decision is leading me to but I do know my God outdoes Himself every time I choose to give him control. This process is beautiful.

I am so thankful for the good days, and honestly the bad ones too. Because when I reach that moment, I am going to understand it so well. And I am going to appreciate it and know that I fought – I didn’t get swallowed but instead grew in strength and integrity and all things lovely.

I will wait on the Lord. He is all I have.

I can’t wait to share what He does this year!

Forever Dancing In His Love,

IMG_1029

“And suddenly you know… It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

Sneaking in some writing time at work because I need a little breather from the demands and requests of our clients. (naughty naughty)

I woke up this morning by the ringing of my alarm, which we already know I hate. I don’t remember going to sleep because I looked at my clock at 2:00 AM and decided I wouldn’t be able to wake back up in 3 hours so might as well pull an all nighter…. But that didn’t happen.

Anyways, with little sleep and much grogginess, I woke up with such a new freedom.

I have been preparing my spirit and my heart for this day, the last day of this stinkin year.

 

Let’s reflect together.

 

My 2015 started off on a high and I preached for the first time on January 18th. Such a great experience being able to prepare and dive deeper in God. My favorite part was learning that whatever you’re preaching on is exactly what God ministers to your heart. For example, I talked about forgiveness and that whole week before, God reminded me of things I needed to let go of and people I needed to forgive.

2 weeks after this high, my life slowly spiraled down and the funny thing is that not many knew how messy my life had become, maybe only a handful.

Not many details are needed to understand that I entered a desert, one, which I put myself in, and one that I chose to stay in. Despite the many talks my mentors took time to have, despite prayer, despite His presence, I chose to continue in my mess and run from freedom and healing. It’s crazy now that I reflect because I don’t understand how any of it happened. I wasn’t ready to defend myself and my guards were down for the first time in my entire life so I was knocked down to the very bottom.

 

From the moment I heard about a man named Jesus (7th grade) and all through high school, I worked hard to overcome pain. To overcome anger. Just to overcome.

And I can’t believe that I was in a place where I submerged myself back into all these things God himself took me out of.

Long story short, the desert continued. I ran and ran and ran and ran only to find myself still in the middle, bound and surrounded by my biggest fears.

Finally, Revive launched. And I knew I had no choice but to fight for myself because I did not want to lose what I had worked so hard to gain.

 

And months of fighting, here I am today, standing strong.

Back on my feet and I couldn’t be more excited.

Maybe my perspective is a bit dramatic and I see everything different, but life is a little more fun that way 😉

I woke up this morning with the sound of bells.

The sound of bells which for me signify freedom.

 

This freakin year is finally over and I don’t have to hold onto anything I do not desire. I don’t have to bring anything along that brought me chaos and pain.

I also don’t have to carry heartache and offenses because I have too many dreams and goals to be worried about who hurt my feelings.

I ‘ve been reading Joshua a lot. I believe this is my message for this next year. Trusting in God, trusting that He has placed me to lead His people, my generation, and having a faith so strong in Him, that nothing else distracts my journey.

 

Be encouraged because this is an end but also a beginning. The heartaches and failures of this year, happened and it’s done with.

 

New year, new victories. For we know from glory to glory we go.

Here’s to a magical new beginning! ❤

 

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie

Dear You,

Can I tell you something?

Something that might make you smile, cry, anxious, all at once.

You are worthy. 

And can I be a little more bold and tell you more?

You are loved.

You don’t have to wake up every morning and wonder how your day is going to go, wonder who will be free to spend time with you. You don’t have to force someone to love you and to give you the attention you are desiring because there is already someone who has made you #1.

I want you to know that Jesus himself has His gaze set on you, and He looks to you with fire burning in His eyes. On your beauty, on your contagious smile, on your loving heart and your thoughtful mind.

And everything that you are, the good and the ugly, He loves.

Walk in dignity, with strength, and your head held high.

Let go of that which does not align itself to His pure love.

And be free to be loved.

Because you are worth more than you realize.

Love,

Me

Sunday Morning

I love Sundays.

Sundays mean rest, family time, Revive.

Sundays also mean an end and a beginning. I made it through the week. Whether I conquered it or barely survived, I made it! And now, I get to try again, conquer this week.

A new week full of possibilities, full of people, meetings, goals. HOW EXCITING.

I dozed off into a deep sleep last night while pondering on my life (which I’m pretty sure I do every other night) but last night was different. I wasn’t reacting to what had happened during the week or to the season I am in. But instead, I was reflecting on what I’ve accomplished since my birthday and what I’ve realized.

I have been twenty-one for 3 months, two weeks, and one day.

I knew my birthday would be a turning point, that God was going to demand change, growth., maturity, did I mention change? I was in a season I don’t remember stepping into. I woke up one morning and my life was not my own. And I appreciate these last few months for different reasons, but I knew it had to change.

I came to myself, and I have learned so much about me and what I love…. also what I don’t love.

  1. I am a leader. This sounds extremely silly considering I have been a leader in youth ministry and church for 7 years. In 7 years I was told I was a leader, I never really believed it for myself, until now. I have the gifts and the knowledge to influence people around me, and to use that to bring LIFE to others. I have the natural ability to stand out and lead a crowd, to set the pace, to be an example…. and I LOVE IT. It is such a privilege and such an adventure.
  2. I love love love love all things business. There have recently been many changes and transitions at my job (I work at a salon and spa) and one of these changes gave me more responsibility. Along with this responsibility, I have begun a journey on a second job- which is also business related. And I woke up last week realizing how much I actually love what I do. I love learning how the business works, I love being a part of a business, I want to know everything. Busy schedules have been life to me.
    To do lists. Deadlines. Setting goals. Planning events. Encouraging staff.
    LET’S DO IT ALL.
  3. Friends are important crucial. 20 year old (and younger) Leslie avoided friendships and relationships. If we were friends, it was really because of the work YOU put into our relationship, not because I let my guard down and let you in. I realized at 21, that I need friends… I need people to be there no matter my mistakes and my choices, but also to be around when I am thriving and accomplishing my goals. Friends are SO important and rather than spending my time avoiding people or even choosing the wrong people, I am learning to be picky about who I let around me, who I lend my ear to…. and not picky so I don’t block everyone out. I can honestly say, 21 is looking pretty great because of the friends who have chosen to fight past my tall walls.
  4. I am hurting but I am not broken. It took me literally 21 years to realize this but I am so glad I am finally here! It feels like I was holding my breath for 20 years and as soon as 21 and some months came, I let out a big sigh and gulped in fresh air. I am not my mistakes, I am not what has happened, I am not my struggle. I am Leslie and I may have to face all those things but they do not define me. What defines me is joy, grace, kindness… ice cream 😉

I am confident that I will learn more about myself as I continue to dance once more with God, but I am so thankful to finally be here.

It will be okay, and it has been okay.

We’re doing just fine.

Dancing in His love

Brokenness

I do not think that pain felt in the heart will ever be accurately put into words. It is so easy to give a broken person advice and to say “you will be okay” and “this will not kill you” but what happens when it feels like you’re dying, like the pain is so demanding and so selfish, desiring to be king, to rule over everything you once were…. because I think sometimes…. sometimes It wins.

I understand that in a few weeks, a few months, I will be able to look back to this season and be relieved that it is over. Maybe not thankful for it, but relieved. But until that time comes, I have to sit here and embrace it.

My heart is broken…..

One of the hardest things to say out loud. It’s hard to accept that I am not okay.

I am broken. I am hurting. I am anxious. I am fearful.

I want to run. Because I have taught myself to avoid pain. I have learned to run when anything threatens me. So right in this moment, I am submerged, head under water, in pain. My heart is desperately trying to harden, to put up the walls, to shut everyone out.

My mind is screaming, warning me to flee. “Run Leslie, this hurts. Run Leslie, we can’t handle this, This is much too strong for us.”

And yet….. I have this overwhelming love of God keeping me still, unable to hide. Unable to leave.

So what happens when the overwhelming love is leading you to face the pain, to keep your heart open…. to allow yourself to feel the brokenness. I cannot run but I cannot face this either. It is too painful. And although I am not revealing what “this” is made up of, I’m sure you can place your own “this” in your story and maybe even relate.

Let me remind us that joy comes in the morning. The tears we are sowing WILL reap joy. This is what I choose to believe. This brokenness will create strength. In an ironic and contradicting way, I am excited. This broken girl will become a strong spirit filled and led woman and although I absolutely hate this process, my reward is worth it all.

Leslie Tatiana ❤

Tough Times

It’s been a while.

I haven’t been able to journal or to write because that would need sitting still and quiet. And sitting still would mean facing what has happened these last few months.

I wasn’t ready to do that. And there are days where I still feel numb and in a daze. But I am doing my best to awaken and come to life.

This was originally a record of my journey. My journey with God. My journey to healing. My journey in life. But somewhere from January to February, I lost that.

And fear came.

And confusion came.

And everything that could possibly come, came.

School sucked. Relationships sucked. Family sucked.  I walked the opposite direction and picked the door that led me to a valley. I am still recovering. Still attempting to find my mountain and my God.

But can I just be even more honest? This walk to healing is the hardest walk I’ve ever been on. Having to shuffle through years of memories, that lead to a rush of pain. A knot in my throat. A sudden loss of breath. A flood of thoughts. Then I really can’t breathe.

Only to realize that I am holding my breath. I am refusing to feel pain. I have to run and find the exit door before it’s too late. Before it all comes rushing back. The strange thing is that I had no idea what I was running from. I have no idea what hurts and what scares me, I just have the need to hide from it.

Today, I am becoming more aware of what I was running from. And maybe that’s another journal to share on another day. The only way I can face this pain is knowing that once I get through it, God will be closer than ever. Knowing that I have faithful friends who love me and only want me to grow. That is what gives me the strength to face this giant.

I can do this. I will do this.  I will survive. I can breathe.

So here is to this journey once more. Here is to healing.

Leslie, you can do this.

Change

I definitely did not write as much as a wanted to in October… Actually I only wrote on October 1st. But it’s difficult. The world demands my attention and my time. School. Church. Relationships. Work. Of course these are necessary and I love being a part of each, but sometimes its nice to just sit on my couch, and be still. And those moments are so rare for me nowadays that I really appreciate them when they come around.

Today as I was scrolling down Instagram I saw a quote that grabbed my attention.
searching

Yes, I know. God is the one we should look to, but I want to explain this in a different perspective. Giving the glory to God always, but think about this. We have the ability to DECIDE how we will turn out. Our circumstances and culture do influence how you feel and how you perceive the world, but it is YOUR choice and your decisions that form the course of your life and your identity. You do not need a guy, a girl, a person, to change your entire life. You have the power to do that, today. This really ministered to my heart because I am in a season now where I have to want the change, I have to decide to let change in and trust that whatever the outcome, God is good. This is hard. Especially when the choice is yours. I can either sit here, stay where I am, continue to have a hidden box in my heart and defend myself any time something in that box is triggered…. Or I can choose to trust God, to believe that what He has for me is good, no matter the pain I feel now, the end of the process will be worth it.

And so yes, I decide to go in deeper, I decide to change my life, to open my heart and even though I am afraid, I will hold on to God with everything that is within me.

Leslie Tatiana