Leslie Tatiana

Waiting on The Lord

Being completely transparent.

I have recently made huge changes in my life.

Probably because I’m early 20’s…. Deciding who I’m going to be, what I am going to do, and every other anxious decision that comes with 21.

One of these changes led to a decision, a decision of singleness for a year- meaning no boys, no dates, no flirting, no late night calls, and nothing else that means boyfriend.

My entire life- I can go back to seasons and remember the relationship I was in, the moment I felt like my life was falling apart, and then meeting someone new, and forgetting all about the previous season. And no offense to anyone else who enjoys this, but I refuse to have a life summarized and described by the relationships I’ve had and failed in. I am tired of fighting God and giving Him tiny tiny pieces of my heart, and then pouring my heart out in things that resulted in chaos. That cycle is mediocre and I was created for so much more.

So in these last few weeks of being with myself…. I have experienced some great days, and some….. days that swallow me whole, with little oxygen and sunlight.

I wish I could say it’s been easy. I wish I could say “wow it’s been a year already and i’m so much wiser”. Truth is, it hasn’t been a year LOL only less than a month.

The days that swallow me- I can barely hear God, mostly because I’m focused on my physical loneliness. I have no plans no desires no peace just fear and a million thoughts and questions and doubts and my past plays in my head and I want answers NOW and I want things my way and I want my plans and I want me to be satisfied and I have the worst attitude ever and….. Stop. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. God is good Leslie, Remember, He is Good.

Honestly, I cry and cry and cry and sometimes it’s better. But other times, the tears don’t stop. It’s an endless hole of emptiness and pain that I cannot even begin to accurately describe without losing the beauty of the process.

But then there’s the good days ❤ and these are the things that fill me with hope. I wake up, and the voice of God is so soft… so sweet…. so calm. And my day is organized. I pray, I worship. I dwell all day. I grow as a woman- filling my day with the things that will move me forward.

I am strangely enjoying this season.

I love Mondays. I clean, finish my home chores. I read, which I used to adore doing, but forgot with time.

I literally unplug, stay off my phone, go to a movie alone, and I just enjoy my own company. Absolutely amazing because I never thought I would be one to experience this and secretly crave it.

Waiting on the Lord is not easy. But oh man is it such an EXPERIENCE.

I’m not waiting on the Lord simply to date, but to simply move. I have no control over the things that will come, or the ones that will not, but what I can do is worship. I choose to worship. I choose to bend my knees, to fight through my legs numbing, to sing and tell the Lord what I am feeling, what I am believing for. I choose to speak and share my heart with Him because He is worthy and so faithful. There is no other stance that I will take. I don’t have all the answers and I have no idea what my decision is leading me to but I do know my God outdoes Himself every time I choose to give him control. This process is beautiful.

I am so thankful for the good days, and honestly the bad ones too. Because when I reach that moment, I am going to understand it so well. And I am going to appreciate it and know that I fought – I didn’t get swallowed but instead grew in strength and integrity and all things lovely.

I will wait on the Lord. He is all I have.

I can’t wait to share what He does this year!

Forever Dancing In His Love,

“And suddenly you know… It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

Sneaking in some writing time at work because I need a little breather from the demands and requests of our clients. (naughty naughty)

I woke up this morning by the ringing of my alarm, which we already know I hate. I don’t remember going to sleep because I looked at my clock at 2:00 AM and decided I wouldn’t be able to wake back up in 3 hours so might as well pull an all nighter…. But that didn’t happen.

Anyways, with little sleep and much grogginess, I woke up with such a new freedom.

I have been preparing my spirit and my heart for this day, the last day of this stinkin year.

Let’s reflect together.

My 2015 started off on a high and I preached for the first time on January 18^th. Such a great experience being able to prepare and dive deeper in God. My favorite part was learning that whatever you’re preaching on is exactly what God ministers to your heart. For example, I talked about forgiveness and that whole week before, God reminded me of things I needed to let go of and people I needed to forgive.

2 weeks after this high, my life slowly spiraled down and the funny thing is that not many knew how messy my life had become, maybe only a handful.

Not many details are needed to understand that I entered a desert, one, which I put myself in, and one that I chose to stay in. Despite the many talks my mentors took time to have, despite prayer, despite His presence, I chose to continue in my mess and run from freedom and healing. It’s crazy now that I reflect because I don’t understand how any of it happened. I wasn’t ready to defend myself and my guards were down for the first time in my entire life so I was knocked down to the very bottom.

From the moment I heard about a man named Jesus (7^th grade) and all through high school, I worked hard to overcome pain. To overcome anger. Just to overcome.

And I can’t believe that I was in a place where I submerged myself back into all these things God himself took me out of.

Long story short, the desert continued. I ran and ran and ran and ran only to find myself still in the middle, bound and surrounded by my biggest fears.

Finally, Revive launched. And I knew I had no choice but to fight for myself because I did not want to lose what I had worked so hard to gain.

And months of fighting, here I am today, standing strong.

Back on my feet and I couldn’t be more excited.

Maybe my perspective is a bit dramatic and I see everything different, but life is a little more fun that way 😉

I woke up this morning with the sound of bells.

The sound of bells which for me signify freedom.

This freakin year is finally over and I don’t have to hold onto anything I do not desire. I don’t have to bring anything along that brought me chaos and pain.

I also don’t have to carry heartache and offenses because I have too many dreams and goals to be worried about who hurt my feelings.

I ‘ve been reading Joshua a lot. I believe this is my message for this next year. Trusting in God, trusting that He has placed me to lead His people, my generation, and having a faith so strong in Him, that nothing else distracts my journey.

Be encouraged because this is an end but also a beginning. The heartaches and failures of this year, happened and it’s done with.

New year, new victories. For we know from glory to glory we go.

Here’s to a magical new beginning! ❤

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie

Dear You,

Can I tell you something?

Something that might make you smile, cry, anxious, all at once.

You are worthy.

And can I be a little more bold and tell you more?

You are loved.

You don’t have to wake up every morning and wonder how your day is going to go, wonder who will be free to spend time with you. You don’t have to force someone to love you and to give you the attention you are desiring because there is already someone who has made you #1.

I want you to know that Jesus himself has His gaze set on you, and He looks to you with fire burning in His eyes. On your beauty, on your contagious smile, on your loving heart and your thoughtful mind.

And everything that you are, the good and the ugly, He loves.

Walk in dignity, with strength, and your head held high.

Let go of that which does not align itself to His pure love.

And be free to be loved.

Because you are worth more than you realize.

Love,

Sunday Morning

I love Sundays.

Sundays mean rest, family time, Revive.

Sundays also mean an end and a beginning. I made it through the week. Whether I conquered it or barely survived, I made it! And now, I get to try again, conquer this week.

A new week full of possibilities, full of people, meetings, goals. HOW EXCITING.

I dozed off into a deep sleep last night while pondering on my life (which I’m pretty sure I do every other night) but last night was different. I wasn’t reacting to what had happened during the week or to the season I am in. But instead, I was reflecting on what I’ve accomplished since my birthday and what I’ve realized.

I have been twenty-one for 3 months, two weeks, and one day.

I knew my birthday would be a turning point, that God was going to demand change, growth., maturity, did I mention change? I was in a season I don’t remember stepping into. I woke up one morning and my life was not my own. And I appreciate these last few months for different reasons, but I knew it had to change.

I came to myself, and I have learned so much about me and what I love…. also what I don’t love.

I am a leader. This sounds extremely silly considering I have been a leader in youth ministry and church for 7 years. In 7 years I was told I was a leader, I never really believed it for myself, until now. I have the gifts and the knowledge to influence people around me, and to use that to bring LIFE to others. I have the natural ability to stand out and lead a crowd, to set the pace, to be an example…. and I LOVE IT. It is such a privilege and such an adventure.
I love love love love all things business. There have recently been many changes and transitions at my job (I work at a salon and spa) and one of these changes gave me more responsibility. Along with this responsibility, I have begun a journey on a second job- which is also business related. And I woke up last week realizing how much I actually love what I do. I love learning how the business works, I love being a part of a business, I want to know everything. Busy schedules have been life to me.
To do lists. Deadlines. Setting goals. Planning events. Encouraging staff.
LET’S DO IT ALL.
Friends are i~~mportant~~ crucial. 20 year old (and younger) Leslie avoided friendships and relationships. If we were friends, it was really because of the work YOU put into our relationship, not because I let my guard down and let you in. I realized at 21, that I need friends… I need people to be there no matter my mistakes and my choices, but also to be around when I am thriving and accomplishing my goals. Friends are SO important and rather than spending my time avoiding people or even choosing the wrong people, I am learning to be picky about who I let around me, who I lend my ear to…. and not picky so I don’t block everyone out. I can honestly say, 21 is looking pretty great because of the friends who have chosen to fight past my tall walls.
I am hurting but I am not broken. It took me literally 21 years to realize this but I am so glad I am finally here! It feels like I was holding my breath for 20 years and as soon as 21 and some months came, I let out a big sigh and gulped in fresh air. I am not my mistakes, I am not what has happened, I am not my struggle. I am Leslie and I may have to face all those things but they do not define me. What defines me is joy, grace, kindness… ice cream 😉

I am confident that I will learn more about myself as I continue to dance once more with God, but I am so thankful to finally be here.

It will be okay, and it has been okay.

We’re doing just fine.

Dancing in His love

Brokenness

I do not think that pain felt in the heart will ever be accurately put into words. It is so easy to give a broken person advice and to say “you will be okay” and “this will not kill you” but what happens when it feels like you’re dying, like the pain is so demanding and so selfish, desiring to be king, to rule over everything you once were…. because I think sometimes…. sometimes It wins.

I understand that in a few weeks, a few months, I will be able to look back to this season and be relieved that it is over. Maybe not thankful for it, but relieved. But until that time comes, I have to sit here and embrace it.

My heart is broken…..

One of the hardest things to say out loud. It’s hard to accept that I am not okay.

I am broken. I am hurting. I am anxious. I am fearful.

I want to run. Because I have taught myself to avoid pain. I have learned to run when anything threatens me. So right in this moment, I am submerged, head under water, in pain. My heart is desperately trying to harden, to put up the walls, to shut everyone out.

My mind is screaming, warning me to flee. “Run Leslie, this hurts. Run Leslie, we can’t handle this, This is much too strong for us.”

And yet….. I have this overwhelming love of God keeping me still, unable to hide. Unable to leave.

So what happens when the overwhelming love is leading you to face the pain, to keep your heart open…. to allow yourself to feel the brokenness. I cannot run but I cannot face this either. It is too painful. And although I am not revealing what “this” is made up of, I’m sure you can place your own “this” in your story and maybe even relate.

Let me remind us that joy comes in the morning. The tears we are sowing WILL reap joy. This is what I choose to believe. This brokenness will create strength. In an ironic and contradicting way, I am excited. This broken girl will become a strong spirit filled and led woman and although I absolutely hate this process, my reward is worth it all.

Leslie Tatiana ❤

Tough Times

It’s been a while.

I haven’t been able to journal or to write because that would need sitting still and quiet. And sitting still would mean facing what has happened these last few months.

I wasn’t ready to do that. And there are days where I still feel numb and in a daze. But I am doing my best to awaken and come to life.

This was originally a record of my journey. My journey with God. My journey to healing. My journey in life. But somewhere from January to February, I lost that.

And fear came.

And confusion came.

And everything that could possibly come, came.

School sucked. Relationships sucked. Family sucked. I walked the opposite direction and picked the door that led me to a valley. I am still recovering. Still attempting to find my mountain and my God.

But can I just be even more honest? This walk to healing is the hardest walk I’ve ever been on. Having to shuffle through years of memories, that lead to a rush of pain. A knot in my throat. A sudden loss of breath. A flood of thoughts. Then I really can’t breathe.

Only to realize that I am holding my breath. I am refusing to feel pain. I have to run and find the exit door before it’s too late. Before it all comes rushing back. The strange thing is that I had no idea what I was running from. I have no idea what hurts and what scares me, I just have the need to hide from it.

Today, I am becoming more aware of what I was running from. And maybe that’s another journal to share on another day. The only way I can face this pain is knowing that once I get through it, God will be closer than ever. Knowing that I have faithful friends who love me and only want me to grow. That is what gives me the strength to face this giant.

I can do this. I will do this. I will survive. I can breathe.

So here is to this journey once more. Here is to healing.

Leslie, you can do this.

Christ Is Enough

In Him I can find peace

In Him I can find joy

In Him I can find love

In Him I can find mercy

In Him I can find identity

In Him I can find security

In Him I can find everything I don’t have

In Him I can find everything I am not

In Him I can find everything I cannot do

Change

I definitely did not write as much as a wanted to in October… Actually I only wrote on October 1st. But it’s difficult. The world demands my attention and my time. School. Church. Relationships. Work. Of course these are necessary and I love being a part of each, but sometimes its nice to just sit on my couch, and be still. And those moments are so rare for me nowadays that I really appreciate them when they come around.

Today as I was scrolling down Instagram I saw a quote that grabbed my attention.
searching

Yes, I know. God is the one we should look to, but I want to explain this in a different perspective. Giving the glory to God always, but think about this. We have the ability to DECIDE how we will turn out. Our circumstances and culture do influence how you feel and how you perceive the world, but it is YOUR choice and your decisions that form the course of your life and your identity. You do not need a guy, a girl, a person, to change your entire life. You have the power to do that, today. This really ministered to my heart because I am in a season now where I have to want the change, I have to decide to let change in and trust that whatever the outcome, God is good. This is hard. Especially when the choice is yours. I can either sit here, stay where I am, continue to have a hidden box in my heart and defend myself any time something in that box is triggered…. Or I can choose to trust God, to believe that what He has for me is good, no matter the pain I feel now, the end of the process will be worth it.

And so yes, I decide to go in deeper, I decide to change my life, to open my heart and even though I am afraid, I will hold on to God with everything that is within me.

Leslie Tatiana

Day 1

So here it goes.

First Day of October.

First Day blogging.

First Day of a new month.

First Day.

I am attempting to write things out this month, versus keeping it bottled inside, and exploding later.
I have decided to take control of my life. As much as I can of course. Taking too much control always causes a fit & a unnecessary rebellion against God.
But I have decided to heal and to grow…. & to determine the way October will be.I have dreams and desires. & even deep down inside, there are things my spirit dreams of that I yet do not know of.
I would like to begin to develop my dreams and to have goals, so I know what I am working towards. What am I called to do? Why do I lead at Revive? Where do I see this going? What do I want to do with my life?
These seem silly when I think about other people reading them out loud. but it’s true. I constantly run around life a chicken without its head and… I think I’m tired of it.My life needs order. My room needs to stay clean. My finances need to exceed “pay check to pay check” habits. My car needs to stay clean. My homework and tests need to be completed and reflect my dedication and hard work. I am blessed. I go to a wonderful school and I need to take advantage of that.
I love my job…. But the people cause me heartache. So should I stay to keep my manager happy? Or should I go, to take care of myself? These are answers I hope to find this month and these are situations I hope to change.

One Day At A Time.