Category Archives: Posts

Sunday Morning

I love Sundays.

Sundays mean rest, family time, Revive.

Sundays also mean an end and a beginning. I made it through the week. Whether I conquered it or barely survived, I made it! And now, I get to try again, conquer this week.

A new week full of possibilities, full of people, meetings, goals. HOW EXCITING.

I dozed off into a deep sleep last night while pondering on my life (which I’m pretty sure I do every other night) but last night was different. I wasn’t reacting to what had happened during the week or to the season I am in. But instead, I was reflecting on what I’ve accomplished since my birthday and what I’ve realized.

I have been twenty-one for 3 months, two weeks, and one day.

I knew my birthday would be a turning point, that God was going to demand change, growth., maturity, did I mention change? I was in a season I don’t remember stepping into. I woke up one morning and my life was not my own. And I appreciate these last few months for different reasons, but I knew it had to change.

I came to myself, and I have learned so much about me and what I love…. also what I don’t love.

  1. I am a leader. This sounds extremely silly considering I have been a leader in youth ministry and church for 7 years. In 7 years I was told I was a leader, I never really believed it for myself, until now. I have the gifts and the knowledge to influence people around me, and to use that to bring LIFE to others. I have the natural ability to stand out and lead a crowd, to set the pace, to be an example…. and I LOVE IT. It is such a privilege and such an adventure.
  2. I love love love love all things business. There have recently been many changes and transitions at my job (I work at a salon and spa) and one of these changes gave me more responsibility. Along with this responsibility, I have begun a journey on a second job- which is also business related. And I woke up last week realizing how much I actually love what I do. I love learning how the business works, I love being a part of a business, I want to know everything. Busy schedules have been life to me.
    To do lists. Deadlines. Setting goals. Planning events. Encouraging staff.
    LET’S DO IT ALL.
  3. Friends are important crucial. 20 year old (and younger) Leslie avoided friendships and relationships. If we were friends, it was really because of the work YOU put into our relationship, not because I let my guard down and let you in. I realized at 21, that I need friends… I need people to be there no matter my mistakes and my choices, but also to be around when I am thriving and accomplishing my goals. Friends are SO important and rather than spending my time avoiding people or even choosing the wrong people, I am learning to be picky about who I let around me, who I lend my ear to…. and not picky so I don’t block everyone out. I can honestly say, 21 is looking pretty great because of the friends who have chosen to fight past my tall walls.
  4. I am hurting but I am not broken. It took me literally 21 years to realize this but I am so glad I am finally here! It feels like I was holding my breath for 20 years and as soon as 21 and some months came, I let out a big sigh and gulped in fresh air. I am not my mistakes, I am not what has happened, I am not my struggle. I am Leslie and I may have to face all those things but they do not define me. What defines me is joy, grace, kindness… ice cream 😉

I am confident that I will learn more about myself as I continue to dance once more with God, but I am so thankful to finally be here.

It will be okay, and it has been okay.

We’re doing just fine.

Dancing in His love

Brokenness

I do not think that pain felt in the heart will ever be accurately put into words. It is so easy to give a broken person advice and to say “you will be okay” and “this will not kill you” but what happens when it feels like you’re dying, like the pain is so demanding and so selfish, desiring to be king, to rule over everything you once were…. because I think sometimes…. sometimes It wins.

I understand that in a few weeks, a few months, I will be able to look back to this season and be relieved that it is over. Maybe not thankful for it, but relieved. But until that time comes, I have to sit here and embrace it.

My heart is broken…..

One of the hardest things to say out loud. It’s hard to accept that I am not okay.

I am broken. I am hurting. I am anxious. I am fearful.

I want to run. Because I have taught myself to avoid pain. I have learned to run when anything threatens me. So right in this moment, I am submerged, head under water, in pain. My heart is desperately trying to harden, to put up the walls, to shut everyone out.

My mind is screaming, warning me to flee. “Run Leslie, this hurts. Run Leslie, we can’t handle this, This is much too strong for us.”

And yet….. I have this overwhelming love of God keeping me still, unable to hide. Unable to leave.

So what happens when the overwhelming love is leading you to face the pain, to keep your heart open…. to allow yourself to feel the brokenness. I cannot run but I cannot face this either. It is too painful. And although I am not revealing what “this” is made up of, I’m sure you can place your own “this” in your story and maybe even relate.

Let me remind us that joy comes in the morning. The tears we are sowing WILL reap joy. This is what I choose to believe. This brokenness will create strength. In an ironic and contradicting way, I am excited. This broken girl will become a strong spirit filled and led woman and although I absolutely hate this process, my reward is worth it all.

Leslie Tatiana ❤

Tough Times

It’s been a while.

I haven’t been able to journal or to write because that would need sitting still and quiet. And sitting still would mean facing what has happened these last few months.

I wasn’t ready to do that. And there are days where I still feel numb and in a daze. But I am doing my best to awaken and come to life.

This was originally a record of my journey. My journey with God. My journey to healing. My journey in life. But somewhere from January to February, I lost that.

And fear came.

And confusion came.

And everything that could possibly come, came.

School sucked. Relationships sucked. Family sucked.  I walked the opposite direction and picked the door that led me to a valley. I am still recovering. Still attempting to find my mountain and my God.

But can I just be even more honest? This walk to healing is the hardest walk I’ve ever been on. Having to shuffle through years of memories, that lead to a rush of pain. A knot in my throat. A sudden loss of breath. A flood of thoughts. Then I really can’t breathe.

Only to realize that I am holding my breath. I am refusing to feel pain. I have to run and find the exit door before it’s too late. Before it all comes rushing back. The strange thing is that I had no idea what I was running from. I have no idea what hurts and what scares me, I just have the need to hide from it.

Today, I am becoming more aware of what I was running from. And maybe that’s another journal to share on another day. The only way I can face this pain is knowing that once I get through it, God will be closer than ever. Knowing that I have faithful friends who love me and only want me to grow. That is what gives me the strength to face this giant.

I can do this. I will do this.  I will survive. I can breathe.

So here is to this journey once more. Here is to healing.

Leslie, you can do this.

Change

I definitely did not write as much as a wanted to in October… Actually I only wrote on October 1st. But it’s difficult. The world demands my attention and my time. School. Church. Relationships. Work. Of course these are necessary and I love being a part of each, but sometimes its nice to just sit on my couch, and be still. And those moments are so rare for me nowadays that I really appreciate them when they come around.

Today as I was scrolling down Instagram I saw a quote that grabbed my attention.
searching

Yes, I know. God is the one we should look to, but I want to explain this in a different perspective. Giving the glory to God always, but think about this. We have the ability to DECIDE how we will turn out. Our circumstances and culture do influence how you feel and how you perceive the world, but it is YOUR choice and your decisions that form the course of your life and your identity. You do not need a guy, a girl, a person, to change your entire life. You have the power to do that, today. This really ministered to my heart because I am in a season now where I have to want the change, I have to decide to let change in and trust that whatever the outcome, God is good. This is hard. Especially when the choice is yours. I can either sit here, stay where I am, continue to have a hidden box in my heart and defend myself any time something in that box is triggered…. Or I can choose to trust God, to believe that what He has for me is good, no matter the pain I feel now, the end of the process will be worth it.

And so yes, I decide to go in deeper, I decide to change my life, to open my heart and even though I am afraid, I will hold on to God with everything that is within me.

Leslie Tatiana

Day 1

So here it goes.
First Day of October.
First Day blogging.
First Day of a new month.
First Day.
I am attempting to write things out this month, versus keeping it bottled inside, and exploding later.
I have decided to take control of my life. As much as I can of course. Taking too much control always causes a fit & a unnecessary rebellion against God.
But I have decided to heal and to grow…. & to determine the way October will be.I have dreams and desires. & even deep down inside, there are things my spirit dreams of that I yet do not know of.
I would like to begin to develop my dreams and to have goals, so I know what I am working towards. What am I called to do? Why do I lead at Revive? Where do I see this going? What do I want to do with my life?
These seem silly when I think about other people reading them out loud. but it’s true. I constantly run around life a chicken without its head and… I think I’m tired of it.My life needs order. My room needs to stay clean. My finances need to exceed “pay check to pay check” habits. My car needs to stay clean. My homework and tests need to be completed and reflect my dedication and hard work. I am blessed. I go to a wonderful school and I need to take advantage of that.
I love my job…. But the people cause me heartache. So should I stay to keep my manager happy? Or should I go, to take care of myself? These are answers I hope to find this month and these are situations I hope to change.
One Day At A Time.