Finding Hope After Church Hurt

I can’t express how relieved I am. Finally, I was free to tell our story. It’s not just mine, but also the story of all the people before me.

If you’re just tuning in, it can be heartbreaking, messy, and sometimes too much information. I hope you understand that my heart is not to throw stones or to create drama. What is done in the dark, must come to light. And it’s not fair to victims who have struggled with this in silence for over 10 years. If I’m the one that has to share for them, I will.

Part 2 is a little different. I want to tell you how I am standing now, still holding on to God, still believing, still hoping. And that sentence makes it seem so easy, like I’ve been steady these past 7.5 years, but I haven’t.

After that difficult conversation of me leaving the church I had served at, I was okay. I felt a new freedom and though I was hurting, I was happy to serve somewhere and still grow with God. I went to a Houston megachurch, joined a small group, and sat in services receiving and preparing myself to serve. I had a small negative experience in the small group with one of the leaders. After some time, we decided to move on to another church. At this church, which is the current church we still attend, we jumped right in. We served on Sundays and hosted small groups. We attended both services. We showed up to serve events and every event that needed volunteers. I felt strong enough. And somewhere in this season, I also had a negative experience with a leader. They triggered everything we had grown up hearing and experiencing. I ran hard and fast away from all things ministry. I felt like toxicity was everywhere within the church. There seemed to be no point in trying to serve or be involved. Eventually, I believed you would encounter the politics and people spiritually abusing others.

The pandemic happened and we became parents, so church was the last thing on my mind, which was unusual. I had gone into survival mode and relied on my hyper independence. I got me, I got it, I can figure it out. I’m not sure how it happened but little by little, my heart grew numb to anything related to God. I barely listened to my pastor’s messages and half of what he said made no sense to me. The songs triggered me and I would argue in my head with myself and probably with God. Oh loving? Oh you make all things new? You don’t fail? Why is there still a man out there living a secret life, while me and others are hurting? Who was protecting them? Who was looking out for them?

These were the conversations I would have any time I showed up. I started questioning if God even existed. In May of 2022, I began looking for information about atheism. I also explored deconstruction, but the kind that doesn’t lead you back to God. I even started reading a book about walking away from Christianity. I was desperate for clarity. I questioned if our desire to hope makes us believe in things that aren’t real. The problem with this is that from a very young age, I knew God. Without my family raising me in church, I had a relationship with God. I couldn’t deny the ways He had moved in my life. He brought a miracle when I most needed it. I was having an internal battle trying to decide what I was going to do. How would I raise my kids? How would I move forward in my marriage if this is the foundation we had chosen? Like I’m married to a PASTOR. How would we move forward as a wife who was no longer Christian?

Somewhere in the last 6 years, I forgave that man. I realized that I was only living life full of bitterness and it was doing NOTHING for me. A major part of my healing was realizing that he too was a child of God. *Cue eye rolling* but it’s true. If you are a believer, this is the piece of the story that truly got me. He too was chosen. He too was loved. He too was forgiven. And that IN NO WAY MEANS THAT WHAT HE HAS DONE IS EXCUSABLE. There are still CONSEQUENCES for his actions and his choices. However, God will redeem even the worst.

In January of this year (2023), I decided I needed to at least try. Our marriage was struggling, I was frustrated as a mom, as a church member. I remember showing up to a Tuesday night prayer, and telling God, “I’m f*cking mad at you. You let me down. You didn’t warn me. How could you leave me? Why didn’t you do something. I don’t f*cking trust you.” And I feel like this was what I needed to say to God to address the elephant in the room. I had spent years tiptoeing around the problem and in return, felt like I couldn’t even speak to God because what was there to talk about if we weren’t going to address the real problem? I spent the rest of the evening bawling in the back because it opened my heart up. The heart that was cold and guarded up, finally felt something.

From here, little things started happening. I started dreaming about this pastor almost weekly in April and that’s a whole story on its own. I also joined my pastors small group and it was one of the best decisions I could’ve made. We talked straight bible and broke down passages in the book of John, one of my favorite gospels. It took away all the lights, music, foo foo church crap and allowed me to just listen to the word which is what I so desperately needed. This didn’t “fix” everything for me though. I still had one foot out the door and that summer, I prayed something crazy. I told God that if he didn’t show up in a “I can’t deny this is you” type of way, I was done. I demanded a miracle, an audible voice, a burning bush type of sign. And a week or 2 later, God did just that.

I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I hope that you understand my heart. I believe no one talks about this, at least with raw honesty and vulnerability. I don’t mind telling you I dropped f bombs when talking to God because it’s what most of us want to do and we don’t, and then we’re stuck or we decide we no longer identify as Christians – when all we had to do was be honest. I also want you to know that there is hope and healing. I know it’s so cliche but ask God for a miracle and believe for it – the only way to find freedom is to deal with the messiness of heartbreak. All that to say that here I am again, moving forward, growing, serving, and reading my bible. Way differently this time than how we were taught when we were younger. I don’t want to be a religious leader who follows all the rules and misses one of the best part of this life on earth – humans. We can’t be so caught up in religion, that’s where the pain comes in. And humanity is messy and painful at times, but it’s also beautiful and full of life, and that’s part of being alive and being a human!

I don’t want to rush through this but I also don’t want to keep talking about the past. My focus in no longer to expose the past but instead to move forward and help others find Christ. It has been 2 years since I began writing this and my life is 100% different than it was. I am a different person. Thankful that I was able to be honest and confront my pain so I could move forward. The psalms have a lot of this honesty. The authors share how they feel, their biggest despairs, but this honest talk with God is what is necessary to move forward.

here is my advice if you feel lost, cynical, or broken:

1. Be honest. With yourself and with God, about your feelings, your thoughts, your despair.
2. Push through. Look for answers, keep showing up, push past your doubt and your heartbreak.
3. Get around people who will push you forward and answer your questions. If they can’t answer them, may they sit with you as you mourn.

Love yall!

“we’re back baby” *tiktok reference*

“I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalms 34:4

An Open Journal While I Heal From Church Hurt

I have been silent for 6 years. And in that silence, stuck.

Unable to move forward, a hardened heart, and the weight of the secrets on my shoulders.

My silence had many layers, twisted together that eventually formed a boulder. I didn’t want to be labeled as messy, didn’t know how to process anymore, and it was not my story to tell. Writing has always shed a new perspective for me and allowed me to feel all the feels as the words left my fingertips, but as I have avoided writing for 4-6 years, I have also avoided processing, my failed attempt at not feeling.

There are moments in life that come in like an earthquake, unexpected & lasting from a few seconds to a few minutes, that shake us to our core. Have you ever had an earthquake moment that changes the entire trajectory of your life? 2017 was the series of these moments that violently shook and disrupted the foundation I proudly stood on, causing cracks deeper than I could have ever imagined. It was short lived but had lasting effects. I escaped the toxic grasp of a pastor in October of 2017, but got lost in the rubble, buried alive under the collapse of life as I knew it, slowly losing my pulse with each year that passed. Six years later, I am finally living in the freedom and healing I needed to start talking.

Bear with me as I attempt to tell you this story. These events from 6 years ago were shoved deep down inside, left in the dark, and forgotten. Over time, the wounds have calloused and my heart has grown numb, unable to fully pump life into my spirit. In that season, my voice was stripped from me and I felt like I was unable to speak. I lost my identity and my sense of purpose. And although I’m still the middle of the storm trying to regain my confidence, I am hopeful. In 2014, I planted a church with some of my closest friends. We all attended the same youth group and decided this was a great journey to take on together. From the very beginning, it was chaotic. We had all been taught a manipulative way of ministry and toxic style of leadership over the course of 10+ years that was starting to affect our relationships, friendships, and the church itself.

Month after month, year after year – something was always blowing up – failed relationships, estranged friendships, even closed doors that prolonged our full launch as a church, and most importantly: the church wasn’t growing. 20-40 people each Sunday with most being on the leadership team. It was a revolving door, gaining 2 and losing 2 more the following week. As leaders, our lives were not our own. The pastor was heavily involved in our relationships and tried to control curfews, dates, and what we did in our free time. He belittled us and groomed us from an early age into believing he was the ultimate authority, even above our own parents. When our friends would choose to leave this church, they were exiled from our lives for good – as we were forbidden from speaking to them because it was disloyal to the church and to him, a cult like culture. We were constantly told to “shut up, sit down” and blindly follow, with blind loyalty. I listened because I had given him the role of a father, with a tangled mess of a best friend and a pastor. I shared my deepest pains with him and heard some of his in return. He was available and present in my adolescence, always consistent. As the years passed and I became an adult, I started feeling uncomfortable with the loyalty he was requiring from me. I was told I couldn’t date my now husband because he had left the church. I was asked to choose between him or the church, and in the first of many attempts to manipulate me into staying, I was promised an advancement within the ministry if I stayed.

After a couple of months, I decided that I desperately needed out. I was in my early 20s and the pastor continued to treat me like the 15 year old girl he had original met, controlling every move. I shared my decision to leave in hopes of walking away in peace and was shut down and told I was childish, receiving condescending remarks that I would never reach my full potential elsewhere – basically that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. In his own words, he was the closest thing to Jesus I had on this earth. I had seen how he treated other individuals (pastors and friends) who left and I tried my best to avoid that happening to me. In this season, I was what he would call a “hot mess”, being in one of the most broken states of my life – having lost a relationship I thought was end game for me & walking away from a ministry I had known for 8 years. I was drinking every weekend, almost blacking out, ending up in poor situations, and having to call my family members to come pick me up in the middle of the night. I’m not condemning this lifestyle or judging anyone else for it, but it was only a coverup for the pain I didn’t want to face. And even in this state, the pastor attempted once again to make me stay by promising to ordain me as a pastor, something he knew I desired.

Shortly after gaining the courage to leave, my friends began trusting me with their experiences with him and all hell broke loose. I was not prepared to learn of the abuse that had occurred right in front of my eyes. Because of my close relationship with this pastor, I began putting all the pieces together. It was like an unfinished puzzle with half told truths. With each new piece of information I learned, I felt like I was buried deeper and deeper in despair. I filled in the missing gaps and timelines of each event. This pastor, the same man I had respected, trusted, and looked to for guidance on my walk with God, had sexually abused young men, and all the stories were the same – at sleepovers while the young men were unconscious. There was never any real consequences or repentance, and even though I spoke up and shared it with the leadership at the church, I hit many dead ends – mostly because he was doing “damage control” (telling his version first, twisting the truth, tugging at heart strings, and disqualifying any information I shared, including bashing my character). My purpose in finally sharing this story is not to focus too much on the “he said/she said” stories, but to share my journey of anger, unforgiveness, and now healing during this traumatic experience.

I had never felt so silenced, so alone, and so anxious. I was filled with anxiety just to go out in public, with fear of running into someone from this church. I lost my entire community and “family” because one man said I was lying and tainted my character. No one asked me to meet so I could share my accusations face to face. The calls simply stopped and the unfollows on social media began. People that I had cried with, prayed for/with, shared my struggles with, listened to theirs – simply stopped answering and disappeared. I was forced to find new friends, a new community to join and it took awhile to find a church and a leadership I could wholeheartedly trust. Thank God for our pastors at Union Houston who have been nothing but understanding, patient, and willing to walk with me as I sorted through this mess.

In this process, I eventually learned to forgive and “let go”. As simple as that sounds, it is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I had to accept that this man was also a child of God, and just how I receive grace from God, he would too. And I don’t say this because I agree with this concept. My humanness does not. I decided that forgiveness was for ME. I was tired of living my life full of bitterness and anger. It affected my marriage, my parenting, and yes, how I acknowledged God. I couldn’t fathom that He would allow this and not warn me or not protect my friends from being abused. I accepted that there was nothing I could do unless I wanted to be accused of being messy. Although I let it go and day by day stopped talking about this situation, my distance from God widened. I went through the motions, showing up to church, serving for a few years, joining small groups, and even listening to worship music – but none of it fixed or changed the hole and emptiness I fell inside. I felt helpless and stuck.

My entire adulthood (plus adolescence from the age of 11) had been marked by a friendship with this God. I knew how to pray, I knew how to lift my hands high, I knew how to run church services with my eyes closed, but nothing prepared me for the anger and distrust that bubbled up inside of me towards God.

Stay tuned for part two!

with love,
Leslie

When Fathers Fail You

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Psalms 68:5

I believe that God always makes a way to take care of you and looking back, I can always see the people He brought into my life to guard me and to guide me.

My dad went to jail when I was really little. Probably younger than a year or right around that time, I’m not really sure when or why because we don’t speak of it, I just know that it happened and my memories of him are pictures of my mom taking me to see him in jail. We would drive a few hours to see him, arrive at 7:00AM to spend a few hours there. The officers would call him over the system and we’d have to wait for him to be called and come out. And this continued for the next few years, but because he was an immigrant, he was deported to Colombia and our communication over the years has been little to non existent.

I’m sure growing up without a father was a root of a lot of the problems I faced as a young girl and a teenager. I was boy crazy lol and so insecure – placed my identity in my looks, my hair, my popularity.

At 7 years old, I had a step dad and for the next 10 years, he would shape my identity. At first, he was my entire world! I had never had a dad and I was just so excited to be able to wear the daddy’s princess shirts (because I’ve never been able to) and to have someone to dance with at my Quinceanera or at my wedding. He would buy me toys, take us to the movies, plan my birthday parties, take us out of town, and so much more.

But then something shifted, something I didn’t understand when I was younger but now don’t blame him for. He was in his 20’s taking care of two kids who weren’t his and had life happening, just like we 20 year olds do. He became angry, aggressive, and controlling- with my entire family.

I was constantly grounded (because of my mouth – I never hold back lol) for things like mismatching my socks or a girl in my school writing on my arm. I would get my phone taken away for months for turning it in at 9:01 instead of 9:00PM. I felt like he was more affectionate towards my brother because my brother was always the calm, peaceful, good one and I was the one who brought trouble, talked back, fought in school.

I would get notes from the front office letting me know not to ride the bus because he was going to pick me up and I would be terrified the rest of the day, full of anxiety. I knew I had probably done something wrong and was going to get in trouble for it. Sometimes the car rides were a trip to get ice cream and other times, it was lectures and unreasonable anger. This created “waves” that would later follow me into my 20’s. Waves are the idea that I am simply tossed to and fro in life, with no control and no preparation, hence my need to control everything. There is always uncertainty with waves. And even though everything is going so well, something bad WILL come. Because with my step dad- something bad was always coming.

This continued through middle school and finally ended my 8th grade year when my parents finally split and he never came back.

Towards the end of his time with us, they would fight, he would leave and I would be so relieved for the next few weeks, secretly hoping he was gone for good.

And although my heart was hurting when he left because I was fatherless again and because my mom was hurting, I can’t tell you how relieved I was when it was finally set. I was finally able to be normal. To be a young girl. To be my wild loud self.

And to think that I once thought that normal was being a daddy’s girl but at this point felt normal was not having a dad. I was glad he was leaving so I could be a normal teenager and have a normal family.

After this season, I enjoyed life with the occasional teenager rebellion and drama. I felt like I had finally gotten my mom back and was able to confide in her because my step dad wasn’t controlling everything.

Then I turned 15 and started attending a youth group. Through this youth group, the youth pastor became a spiritual father, a father figure, a best friend and literally my entire world again.

And again, for the next 10 years, this man would shape me and make me mostly who I am today.

At first, everything seemed great. The “my dear’s” affirmed me and the texts and involvement in my life meant the world. At first I would ask bible questions and ask about theology because I was so hungry to know more. Then I would ask about relationships and life. And eventually I began to share every secret from my past to my present and of things to come. I shared my dreams, my failures, my heart and to me, I thought maybe this is what a father was like. He would take me home after services and would pay for my food, invite me to all the family events. I would celebrate him on Father’s day and honor him with a gift.

Eventually, the verbal & emotional, spiritual abuse began. I would get shamed and called out in public. Things like “shut up and sit down” or “stop acting like a freaking child” and even being told I was acting skanky or that I needed to get my crap together to be used by God was what I would constantly hear. These may not seem like much but I don’t believe anyone should be spoken to this way, blood or not.

And it wasn’t always this way. But one day, I woke up, 10 years in, and don’t really know how I allowed someone speak these words over my life when I am a strong girl, never afraid to defend myself.

I realized over a year ago that the feeling both my step dad and this new father figure made me feel was all too similar, too familiar.

And that’s when I began battling my connection to him. It feels almost easier for someone to walk out and never come back versus having to find courage to leave and then constant strength to not return when life feels like it’s falling apart.

You see, I learned to depend so much on him that whenever something would go wrong, I knew he could fix it, no matter how bad I had messed up.

And although the way I was spoken to and treated was not okay, I am thankful today.

He taught me to be strong, to show up no matter how I felt, to find beauty in my brokenness and developed me into the woman I am today.

And I was dreading today. Because father’s day is never easy for me. I am reminded that I am fatherless, that I only have one parent, that I have had one father walk out and 2 figures who failed me.

But it’s never about that, never about what someone does to you, but rather how you react and what you do with it.

I have chosen to forgive and to continue forgiving. It’s not easy. Some days I feel like I hate them and other days I want to cry because I miss him so much. And other times I want him to fix everything and just go back to “normal”.

What I choose to stand on is that nothing surprises the Lord. He sends humans to take care of us and in their humanity, they don’t get it right but at least they made an effort.

The Lord is the perfect father and I can finally view him that way. I woke up this morning and instead of feeling abandoned, I felt a sweet love entangling me. And the first words I whispered were “Happy Father’s Day my sweet God”

He knows my pain, my anger, my deepest sorrow. And I don’t have to explain that in this moment. All I have to do is respond to His faithfulness and know that He is good, and He truly is.

Maybe you have a dad and a mom. And maybe you can’t relate. But maybe there’s someone who failed you, abandoned you. Or someone you need to forgive. I want you to know it’s a choice. One to make DAILY! I have to remind myself daily to let the hurt go, forgive the words spoken over me, and to let go of those who walked out. Some days are easier than others but day by day, I make the choice.

Whatever you are facing today, know that God is good. He is faithful, he has your back and He always makes a way to take care of you, even when you don’t understand. Humans fail us all the time, just as we fail other humans too.

But the best thing about Jesus, is that He makes everything good. He covers us and allows a blessing to come out of the most painful moments in life.

A special father’s day to those who have stood in my life as one. I still honor you from a distance and choose to do it because the word of God tells me to honor and because of His grace in my own life.

Happy father’s day to my mom. I love you. Thank you for everything always. You are the best mom and dad we could’ve ever had.

And lastly, Happy Father’s Day my sweet God. Thank you for never failing me. Never walking away and for always loving me. You are my very favorite ever and I don’t know what I would do without you. A father to the fatherless. A father to me.

Forever dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Bloom with Grace

WELL, if you know anything about me, it’s that when I don’t write, I’m avoiding a process.

I thought that maybe if I pretended I was over it, didn’t care, then it wouldn’t hurt.

And man am I wrong again.

But then it’s beautiful because I get to pour out these random words, make them into sentences, and bring freedom to myself and to someone else.

It’s only February.

And my word for this year, restoration, has felt more like TURMOIL!

But when I take a step back outside of my emotions, I realize just how much restoration has been happening. I promise I’ll write an update next week on the things that have been in the process of restoration but for now, lets get real and dirty.

I sit here typing as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I can’t even fully tell you why. Partly because I don’t even know……. and partly because maybe I do, but for the sake of the drama-less community of DYL and the Holy Spirit always being like girl calm down, I generalize.

I am angry. I feel lost. I feel free. I feel stuck. I feel opportunity rising. I feel depression around the corner. I could punch a hole in a wall. I could crawl into my bed and not come out until Sunday night. I could be the life of the party and talk your head off.

I don’t share this for you to be concerned about me, or for you to ~~pity~~ me.

I am stronger than I know, and I always figure it out.

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But what dilemma to feel so many different things all at once!

I left a place I called home and people I called family in October (which I’ve mentioned in previous blogs) and I never would’ve imagined that my entire being would be shaken by this. Silly I know. But it did.

My routine of life as I had known it abruptly changed. I had to make an attempt at new friends. I had to find a new home to attend on Sundays, at a new time, with strange faces. I had to really decide what LESLIE believed in. And I had to be vulnerable.

Which I have been, in building friendships, in trusting where the Lord was leading me.

But I am still hurting. The carpet was snatched from under my feet, and I fell hard and when I looked up, it was me who had done the pulling, without warning.

Like girl, can I get a schedule, an explanation, a 10 page research essay next time before these life-altering decisions happen?!? LOL

I can 100% stand by my decision to leave, but I wish I would’ve prepared myself for the heartache that I was about to walk into.

It’s heartache for many reasons but mostly because I forced myself out of my comfort zone and things I wasn’t expecting to change, changed.

I was complaining to myself today about the weather. It’s been raining and chilly again, when just last week, the sun was shining (80 degrees bright) and the wind was just right. I woke up two nights ago because there were loud thunderstorms at 3:00AM and the showers have been making an appearance on and off for 48 hours now.

It’s that rain that sprinkles and doesn’t fully come down, the one where you can’t turn on your wipers, but you also can’t turn them off. The one that stops when you grab your umbrella but starts as soon as you start a conversation with the friendly stranger in the parking lot. It’s a rain you cannot predict… or trust.

And you know what that reminds me off? My emotions right now.

I cannot trust what they are feeling, because tomorrow, I might be laughing and loving my freedom, while last night I was sad and overwhelmed with this process.

But when you embrace the rain, let it fall on your windshield a few seconds longer before turning on the wipers, when you don’t get angry that your blowdried hair is going to frizz but instead you allow the waves and the curls to do their thing, when you don’t get mad that you cannot wear your suede boots but instead you pull out your shoes that have a little character and a little history to them, the rain suddenly doesn’t suck as much anymore right? Somehow NOW you can trust it. And what’s even better is that in May, the flowers will bloom. The one’s that died in our cold winter were replaced by new seeds, and these random days of rains are bringing that life, allowing the seeds to develop, to grow roots, to be planted, and then to be enjoyed in the summer on the hottest and brightest of Texas days.

See, I’m going to choose to embrace my emotions, to embrace the pain that I feel, the anxiety I feel when I walk into a new group of people to introduce myself, the awkwardness I feel when I share my heart with strangers only to find we do have things in common. Embracing though closely related is not trusting. I am not placing my hope in the wild emotions, but rather in the seed that has been planted; which is the Word of God in my life.

The Lord has promised many things to me and my heart, both through His Word, but also through His presence. And I know that these showers of emotions and processes are bringing life to those seeds I am planting and have previously planted. And as I continue to be faithful and obedient, the flowers will bloom. I will bloom. My heart will bloom.

And you will too.

If it’s a hard season for you, if you are not where you thought you would be, if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, if you are in the best season of your life, know that you are PLANTING seeds that will turn into beautiful flowers, or trees, if that’s more of your liking 🙂 The Lord has ALSO promised you many things.

I can’t tell you enough that the Lord is faithful. And if you don’t believe in that, the simple law of reaping and sowing is seen in every situation. You are sowing into your future, into your next season…. and you WILL reap the benefits of it. Both you and I will.

Embracing and Blooming and Dancing in His Love,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

I Failed in 4 Days

And just like that the first week of 2018 is over and we begin a new one.

If you are anything like me, AKA human, the first week didn’t go as planned. I had all these great plans and goals and an atmosphere that I wanted to set for this year… but somewhere in the middle of the week, I failed. I failed so bad.

And it sucks.

I worked out one day. I read my bible 3 out of 6 days.

My room is a mess, like an earthquake named Leslie happened.

I hurt a really dear friend.

Like is it possible to mess everything up in a matter of 4 days?! Because I did.

But I learned something.

What happens when it’s a new beginning, but you are still the same person you were in the last chapter? With the same habits, the same past, the same fears, the same same same!?

YOU FREAKIN FIGHT ANYWAYS.

I will admit that I was discouraged for a bit. I felt like the rest of the year was going to suck. And I’m dramatic so then I wanted it to be December 31st, 2018 so I could be in 2019 LOL I thought my world was crushed and that I had really done it this time.

but then I was reminded of God and His mercies. And let me tell you, I am so so thankful that they are new every morning. I don’t ever want to be someone who abuses the grace that God so freely showers us with, but because I am so dramatic and such an over thinker, and grew up with an overly strict step dad, I have to remind myself that I AM HUMAN AND I WILL NOT ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT. So I showered, got dolled up, and kept going and working towards my dreams.

I caught up in my daily bible reading, starting cleaning (started because seriously don’t know how I made that much of a mess LOL)

We will never advance if we stop moving forward every time we make a mistake or trip up a little. It is bound to happen because we are human and can only do so much ya know? But what matters is how you continue in the process. The small steps that you take make all the difference.

I was so afraid to make a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t wanna dream big for DYL and fail. I didn’t want to say that I would read daily and then miss a few days and feel horrible and lost.

But in order to enter a new season, YOU have to actually enter it.

You, being, the messy, confused, loud, shy, scared, annoying, sensitive you. And while you walk out your new season, you can turn back and see the progress you have made.

So if your week was anything like mine, I want to encourage you: KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Take a deep breath, relax, remind yourself that you are human and you are doing the best you can. Refocus, rewrite your goals, and start again. We don’t need a whole new year to start all over. Everyday is a fresh opportunity to make better choices and to take tiny little steps towards your destiny.

KEEP MOVING. KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP STRIVING. KEEP DREAMING.

The best is yet to come and even though we screwed up, we still have 51 weeks to go and it’s not over yet!

I believe in you, I believe in His plans for you.

Lets get it!

Dancing In His Love,

Leslie Tatiana

2018: Restoration

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you celebrated in the way that you desired! Whether it was in PJ’s, in sparkles, a suit, or dancing the night away.

I spent the night with my family and close friends and it was everything I hoped it could be. Anytime I can dress up, dance, and be with loved ones- I’m game!

I have been reflecting on 2017 all day and continuing to ponder on my vision for 2018.

And in all honesty, I was a bit overwhelmed today.

My heart has been processing all the loss that I had in the previous year and I began to miss people, miss moments, miss things. And you know, I don’t think this is a bad thing. So often we are taught to refocus when you think of the past, that friendship, or that ex. But I think we would be mentally stronger, more honest, and better off if we allowed ourselves to process the meaning of these feelings and thoughts when they happen.

I am not saying to dwell on it, and to listen to Adele… or to go look at pictures or stalk them on social media LOL but really…. Ask yourself, why am I thinking about this? Why am I missing them? What caused this today?

And here is what I discovered when I answered these questions today.

I am at peace with all the decisions I have made this year, at peace with all the things I have walked away from.

But 2018 terrifies me.

I am so afraid to screw it all up, to have a “lowest of lows” year, to stray off the path the Lord has set before me. And because of that, I began to think about this past year.

It’s so easy to miss the ~~old~~ because there is no surprise in it. You know the in’s and out’s of that environment, of that relationship, even of those habits you hate. It’s like you can almost bet on what will happen next and how it will happen, you can probably go all in and win.

And right now, everything is SO new to me that I am unsure of what comes next.

And for a control freak like me?!? Yeah, no.

But there are a few things I know for sure.

The Lord… His plans are so good, and I don’t need to worry about what is to come because I am 100% sure it will be good.

Also…. Fear will not and cannot stop me from living this year. Although I am scared, I will do it afraid. I will continue to live my life without my past, knowing that it will be a good year, even if it’s not how I imagined it to be. Because on December 31st, 2018 I will still be standing, with my hands in the air, declaring that the Lord IS truly good!

I would like to share my word for this year with you.

I am not going to lie and tell you I fasted and prayed for weeks before the year was over to hear from God what He was speaking over 2018 lol not quite

That is just not how I do things (at least not right now because I am not that disciplined, yet LOL) But I do hear from God and I had a word that was resonating in my spirit over the last few days of the year and I am sharing it to remind myself and you the power of God.

RESTORATION.

: an act of restoring or the condition of being restored: such as
a : a bringing back to a former position or condition : reinstatement the restoration of peace
b : restitution
c : a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition

I have lost (and gained) so much in previous years and especially in the last one. Some of that loss was mostly because of my own choices, which I will ALWAYS take full responsibility for… but it was also due to seasons, people, world events, LIFE.

For example, I lost a little faith in God. SO much happened in nature, in world news, in my own personal life, in my loved one’s lives… that there were many many many times I wanted to scream at God and ask Him, “what the heck man?!”

I also lost my vision for my life. I lost sight of what I am called to do.

And over the last few weeks, I have been dreaming and planning and receiving life into my heart.

But I truly believe this year, everything I have lost and everything I deliberately threw away will be restored. I know this one thing, and that is that God is faithful. The most faithful that I have ever known. Even when we aren’t.

And He takes every little thing possible and uses it in the GOOD plans that He has for us. I believe that He is the God who restores, and anything can be restored in Him.

Your faith, your hope, your health, your purity, your dreams, your relationships, your heart.

Nothing is wasted in Him and restoration is always possible.

Pray and ask the Lord to speak to you over your year. Your word or season may differ, but His hand is still over your life, just like it is in mine.

I can’t wait to write about the victories and losses this year and share them with you so you can be encouraged once again. I love reminding you that you are not alone, that we are more alike than you know. I will always be transparent and open when I can in order to bless you and bring you closer to the Lord and to your own dreams and visions.

Follow along as I testify of His goodness and His restoring Hand.

Here’s to dancing in His love another year,

XX,

Leslie

When the 20 Floor High Rise Falls

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Happy Monday! I hope November has treated you well. I have absolutely no complaints about this month except that I hate how cold it has been but I’m sure many disagree with me lol I have grown in many areas this month and have truly enjoyed every week which I am so thankful for. 2017 has turned around and is looking bright!

I do have something laying heavy on my heart which means it’s time for me to write and process it out so I can heal, let go, forgive, or whatever else I need to do.

To be honest, I’ve been afraid of processing this. Because I never want my blog to be a place where “shade” is thrown or felt or talked about but then if it’s taken that way, I can’t control it. The point is I never intend for it to be taken that way. I just like to share my heart, my struggles, and what I learn in the journey.

I have also been afraid because I didn’t want to cry. Crying would make what has happened real and I wasn’t sure I was ready to comprehend that. I’m not sure if these words will bring those stored up tears out but I am finally ready to process.

Sometimes you spend years building a reputation for yourself. You lay down the cement and build each floor year after year until hopefully by the end of it, you can step back and see a beautiful high rise.

hopecity

On the first floor, maybe you have generosity and all that occupies those hallways is how much you have given to friends, family, strangers. Resources, time, love, without desiring anything in return.

Maybe on the fifth floor, you have all the things you are against residing. Like lying, stealing, killing, betraying friends, cheating, bullying.

And maybe ALL the way at the top, you have your goals for your friendships, relationships, career, ministry.

Only after 10 years of building, something, someone, or an event completely destroy it.

Well that’s where I am currently at, but not quite. (I will explain, hang tight)

In this case, I won’t share details because they are unnecessary to me. But I have spent the last ten years of my life building a life, a world, and a reputation for myself. I knew I was kind, loud, adventurous, a believer, a friend, a natural leader, a girl who was against this and that, a girl who stood up for this and that.

And in this past month, all that crumbled.

I felt as though a bulldozer came into the comfort of my heart and my home, knocked the walls down until only dust remained. And my heart was exposed, cold, afraid, and very fragile.

Along with building a reputation, I also had walls that were mighty and strong and impossible to get over, but those all came tumbling down in just one night.

Reputation is defined as the beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone or something.

And to simply put it, that is ALL that it is. Mere OPINIONS held. They do not control your destiny, your calling, your character, or your future. And that is why I am not quite crushed under the rubble.

I want to be someone who is more concerned with my character than what my reputation is made out to be. You see, if I spend another 10 years worried about what people think of me and how people view me, not only will I have not advanced, but I would have gotten it ALL wrong.

I am more concerned with what’s in my heart, what the Lord says about me, and how I am bettering people’s lives. I haven’t had the time, the energy, or the desire to defend my reputation because part of me could care less. I also know that God will do that for me.

How is my heart? How do I treat my friends? How do I handle my job? How do I love my brothers and sisters? What can I do to change someone’s day today? These are the things that my mind is on and that is all about my character, not the opinions held about me.

I wrote in my previous blog that I recently made huge changes because I didn’t like who I had become over time and this month, so much within me has changed that I am pleased with who I am becoming.

I have to remind myself that it is okay to make decisions for myself, and that I have no obligation to explain that to anyone. My circle knows my heart, they know what’s best for me, and they stand by me without me asking for it.

The best part about my high rise being demolished is that I am already at the bottom. There is nothing left of what was and I love that. I have the chance to be who He intended me to be and not who I made myself appear to be.

I want to encourage you if you are currently in a similar situation or if you have ever been there before and are still in the aftermath of it.

Take courage friend.

Your life is not over and your world is not crushed. Who have you always wanted to be? How have you always wanted to live your life? What are your dreams, your passions, the things that make you come alive? Now you can run hard after those things without a reputation holding you back…. Because as bad as it sounds, you no longer have one.

I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with you type of pain. It wasn’t even as dramatic as me losing my breath and becoming anxious. Yes I was caught by surprise nonetheless, but it hurt in a way that ignited me to become better and to pursue my dreams even harder than I ever had before.

The Lord says you and I are whole. We are full of wisdom, we walk in power, in love, we laugh at the days to come because we are not afraid. He said He makes us strong, His peace surrounds us, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Speak that over yourself daily, especially when the reputation sucks.

He speaks LIFE over you and so do I.

We will get through this and the fruits to come are better than any 20 story high rise that was demolished. What a beautiful place to begin because He takes ashes and turns them into art to be displayed for His glory.

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..” Philippians 3:13

Here’s to character and better days,

Forever Dancing In His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Entering A New Season

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Happy November!! I have been so busy enjoying my life these past three weeks that I haven’t had the time to sit and write, which I’m so excited about because

The #~~writersblock~~ is finally gone and
I am truly enjoying my life.

The first of the month always marks a significance for me. It’s a do over, a fresh start, a new season, a new time in God. And honestly… it is exactly where I am right now. I’m sure I could tell you a million stories and make this blog endless with all the things that I could tell you from these last few months, but I won’t. I’ll keep it straight to the point and maybe on another blog, I’ll break those stories down. But here’s the deal….

About 3 years ago, I was part of a church plant and God stirred up a fire in me and a vision and for the season, it was all I could think about and all I wanted to do.

A few months ago, I start feeling a nudge, a push from God to move away from my comfort zone and to take a leap of faith. I tend to be very impulsive but leaps of faith are not always my forte.

But I was not moving forward where I was at and I felt like the Lord wanted to do a new thing in me so I made the decision to venture out away from my church plant and follow where He was leading me.

My decision was based on many different things that I prefer not to share at the moment because I am still processing and God is still moving in my heart, (so maybe for another time) but the biggest thing that led me to make the decision was God and I am 100% confident that the work He began, He will walk with me and see me through it. Leaving a place of familiarity is always scary, but what’s ahead is always better than staying somewhere God is no longer calling you to be.

It’s a new season.

My heart has been eager for this season for over a year now and I finally made decisions to take care of myself.

You see, I am someone who selflessly puts others before myself and I am not ashamed to say that. I don’t mean it in a prideful way, it’s just truth. And because I am also someone who is an extremist, I usually don’t find middle ground in anything.

But it was time for me to put my needs before anyone else’s…. and I did that.

I needed to be honest with myself and realize that the bitterness, the anger, the confusion, the brokenness I had in my heart wasn’t going to be removed in the same environment where I picked these things up. It was time to take care of Leslie…. to remember what it meant to dance in God’s love… not in shame, condemnation, lack of faith, fear, or anything else hindering my dance with my favorite being, Jesus.

And as I’m being honest with myself, I will be honest with you. I have not been happy for 2 years. And I don’t think that’s how life should be lived. What an insult to myself and to my God to be unhappy for two years, wasting my potential and my breath…. but I’m finally free to say that out loud because I found the light at the end of that dark road.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great memories these past two years, but I can’t remember the last time I really enjoyed my seasons, my life. You can see the brokenness in my blog posts, which again, I am thankful for because my brokenness has blessed some of you because of the words I have been able to string together to explain not only the pain, but also the promise at the end of it.

I can truly tell you that this past month, I have been full of joy, full of life, full of hope.

And finally catching my breath.

I don’t feel the anxiety for the future….

the heaviness of my chest when that relationship ended.

The short breaths when I would stay awake trying to find a way from under the rubble that was holding me hostage between who I wanted to be and my current state in life.

The drenched sweats I would wake up to because my nightmares were constant.

And this is the reality of what the last 7 months have been for me.

This is the truth of what was going on inside. God was tugging at my heart and trying to move me from a season I had overstayed.

And as soon as I made the decision to free myself from it and look to God, my entire life changed.

I want to share with you what I did to step into a new season, very briefly and maybe there will be a part 2 with more details.

First,

You have to come first. You have to take care of you at all costs. Because when you take care of you and put yourself first, it may seem selfish, but it’s not.

When you are at your best, the world gets to enjoy that and have the best version of you.

For example, I was constantly putting others needs before my own by guarding, protecting, showing up to every event even when I was exhausted, staying quiet instead of speaking up, and who did that bless? Really no one because inside I was tired, bitter, angry, confused, annoyed, etc. And that’s what everyone around me received.

Second,

Do not take anything that is hindering you into your new season.

I let go of relationships & people who weren’t blessing my journey.

I let go of my old mindset that life was never going to get better, that the waves would always come ashore and crash the life I was building.

I let go of bitterness, realizing I am in control of my life. I make my choices. I decide how I want to live and the life I want to create and enjoy.

Third,

be humble enough to take advice from the right people.

I have surrounded myself with leaders, pastors, sisters in Christ who are going to challenge me, correct me, and guide me to be the best me I can be. These people walk with me despite my attitude that day, despite any unwise decision I made, and they encourage me with love and most importantly, truth.

Stepping into a new season after you have been bound for years is intimidating but I can tell you firsthand that the sound of freedom is real. A burden is lifted and your vision will be cleared.

You will hear the chains falling, new doors will be opened, and He shall be faithful to complete the work He began in you. And enjoying your life and taking control of it is worth losing a few things along the way, in my opinion.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him.” Psalms 62:1

Dancing in His love once again,

Leslie Tatiana ❤

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(P.S. Enjoy the new dress that launched on Mari Sabe. The cute sweater dress is true to size and so comfy!! Really enjoyed shooting this and being able to share it with all the ladies! You can shop for it directly here )

The Truth About Anxiety

I feel it sitting on my chest like a filing cabinet full of 1999 records was dropped on me.

I slowly feel the oxygen leaving my body and my breaths becoming more frequent, more panicked. I’m gasping for air. Gasping for freedom.

Gasping, gasping.

Yet nothing is changing.

I look down and see my wrists bound. Tied together by a rope of emotional trauma and a circle of lies I’ve been feeding myself.

I am holding the rope with my mouth. I tied my wrists with my need for control and fear of myself, and as I’m slowly losing oxygen, I am also refusing to let go of the rope.

I am an addict. I have an addiction.

An addiction I have created within myself, for pain, trauma, loss, heartache, death.

Because even though it hurts, at least I feel.

Because without it, I am numb.

Without my addiction, I am alone.

And rather than being alone in a lit up room, I’d rather sit in the dark with my monsters.

But I’m running out oxygen…. gasping, gasping.

I am running out of time. Tick Tock.

and the burden is too much to carry. And I wanna be free. And I long for the night in which I don’t crave my addiction, where I don’t injected myself with the pain and the heartache.

Where I understand that I deserve better, that I am worth freeing.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And I want to drop the rope and release my wrists. Release my heart.

But how?? Because as the anxiety sits boldly on my chest, I clench the rope tighter with my teeth.

Freedom, where are you?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years now. It wasn’t always like this but I find the more I look for God and attempt to release control of my life, the harder the anxiety fights me. The deeper I look into my heart and into everything that makes me- me, the more scared I become, which isn’t right but it’s where I am. I wrote this last week and felt so much relief releasing it and admitting to myself that I am anxious, that this heaviness I feel is real. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not defined by it, but it is real and I feel it in this season so strongly. And I wanted to share because after talking to a few friends, coworkers, etc., I realized I am not the only one struggling with these feelings. Here’s what helped me and how I am having a better week.

I determined what was causing my anxiety and tackled it as fast as I could. This time it was a conversation I needed to have with someone very close to my heart. Once I had that talk, I instantly felt relieved and at peace, knowing we were both on the same page and choosing to move forward. I know this is not always possible but I always do my best to talk to the person (if it’s related to someone) and if I can’t, I write a letter or a text message that I never send but I still write it out. SO whatever is taking your peace, tackle it right away.
I ran to God. Cliche, but I really decided to be honest and share not only what I felt, and what was causing me heartache. From experience, this is sometimes a quick fix and other times, the situation may not change, but it aligns my thoughts and feelings with the simple truth that God is in control and nothing surprises Him. I love this because once the anxiety is gone, I don’t have to turn around and suddenly apologize to God for not going to Him, but instead I was looking to Him the entire time. Because I have learned that whether it rains or shines today, He is still good and is still God.
I surrounded myself with specific people that would build me up and not make the anxiety worse. I sat in my friends kitchen floor as she baked cakes and just cried. And she let me. Which is the greatest thing someone could do for me in that moment. I didn’t need to hear how to fix it, how to let it go, how to be strong, I just needed to cry.

I’m sure there will be a part II to this, because God is good and my anxiety will not prevail. His peace will flood my heart, my thoughts, my spirit. I pray that if you are dealing with something similar, may the God who made the universe, the God who has great plans for your life and a love like no other, may He surround you with His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Philippians 4:6

Dancing in His love,

Leslie Tatiana

Hold Her Arms Up

It’s hard to believe that everyone has difficult seasons and that sometimes, life is not at all how you planned or hoped it would be. Everyone goes through it.

How do you react when it happens to you?

How do you react when it happens to someone else?

These last few months have been difficult for me. Which is why I haven’t written in a few weeks. It has been hard to find beauty in my mess, mostly because I was avoiding anything God related and anything life related. I wanted to live in my own world that didn’t include people, rules, words, expectations, responsibilities, anything at all. I always get to a specific door, where on the other side my destiny and my ministry await, but I get too scared to walk through so I stand at the window, looking in at what I could have and who I could be.

And today, I am finally at the crossroads where it’s time to make a decision.

I am either in. or I am out.

And both have consequences and sacrifices, but I have chosen to stay in the fight and be in.

Walking out this season, I have realized that I haven’t been myself. These last few weeks, maybe I was grumpy, or moody, or irresponsible, or rebellious, or aggressive, or restless, or anxious, or unsure, or sad, or mad, or confused.

And maybe all of them all at once.

And then, as I recollect, refocus, relight the fire… I have a glimpse of grace. Grace is when God chooses to take me back and love me anyway. Grace is God allowing me to feel His love and His presence, letting His word take my heart, my mind, and my thoughts captive so that my eyes can lock with His.

Grace is…. Him & I once more.

And then I think to myself…… wow, do I even do that for me?

And one step further, do I do that for others?

The answer is no. I judge myself and hold myself to a standard, which is not wrong, but it’s exhausting when I have my eyes on my own strength and not what He can do. I take myself out of the fight because I didn’t get it right the first time…… but what if this is the 10th time and I am still not getting it right? His strength, not mine.

And then to those around me…. I expect them to walk without failure, to be kind, to be present, to be available, to love me, to support me, to protect me. Yet, I haven’t quite figured out how to do all those things for myself, much less for others.

So here’s an apology. To myself, to you, and to God, I am sorry I haven’t extended grace and I am sorry that I have expected too much out of you. I get it. It is inevitable to make mistakes and miss the mark because we are humans.

Forgive me for not extending grace to you and to our battles. Each person fights their battles and feels like they’re drowning so I am sorry if I haven’t made that process easier for you.

And to God, my sweet sweet Jesus… Forgive me for taking this life for granted. For taking so long to lift my hands to worship and for standing outside the window, watching, instead of turning the knob and stepping in by faith. Fear has gotten the best of me and I dropped my eyes to look at the road, rather than keeping them locked with your gaze.

I also ask that if you have friends around you in difficult seasons, that you hold them up and show them the same grace we have received.

The Bible says in Exodus 17:10-12

So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

Aaron and Hur held Moses’ hands up because if they went down for any reason, the battle would be lost. This is the same act we should do for each other. You never know when someone might be on their last ounce of strength and when they need you to simply hold their arms up until the morning comes.

Don’t be so quick to judge when your people are not themselves. Life can be tough so let’s hold the arms up and win the battle as we stand right next to them.

Forever Dancing In His Love,